A New Year means a new or continuation of a resolution, so we all get on our scales and say we want to lose 30 lbs, or that we want to find a new hobby. Every year our resolutions stay the same, without a thought of looking back because we are dawning on a New Year so who cares. Every year I often find myself looking back at the year and remembering all the moments of heartache, challenge, and overcoming of obstacles. I found myself in dark places, places where one says they would never find themselves. I made a disappointment out of myself and God. I found myself unable to forgive others but even after God gave me the strength to do that, I found myself unable to forgive myself. This year I experienced real loneliness, but soon realized that God was doing it so that I was able to experience myself and Him with everything in me. I experienced the depths of my heart and the capability my heart, mind, and flesh has to sin. I took the blanket of protection off and stepped into the world. I came to a crossroads and was unable to make decisions about my life and who I was and wanted to be. This time last year, I thought I lost something that I could never imagine not having and now I couldn’t imagine my life with it. I once envisioned a dark hole where I was placed looking up at the light and always seeing it but never attempting to climb out due to self-pity. I always caught myself saying, “I could never experience that light again, I do not deserve it.” I was finding my worth in the world and telling others to find their worth in God. I was shown that through my suffering God can use me, even someone who has experienced the darkness of her heart. It is through my mistakes that I am able to reach out to others who may have experienced the same. I learned that what I did does not make me who I am. I was told that I was forgiven the moment I asked for it, and meant it. It took only the will power of God to forgive myself, because in my head I had a constant reminder that I was no good. I made the decision to attend Palm Beach Atlantic University to further my education in Counseling Psych. I lead a group of high school girls at Church in the Gardens and they have just continued to show me over and over who God is. I continue to struggle on a daily basis, but the Lord has pulled me out a great deal. I see the light and I want it more and more everyday. I have spent a great deal of this year with one foot in the world and one foot in the light and that is not at all what God has called me to do. I have learned so much about myself, and what I am capable of whether it is good or bad. Even though at one point I was covered in shame and felt like I had been defeated. I look back and just smile with Joy because God has changed me in a way that I cannot describe with words. I am thankful for the bad because it only brings me good. God has just shown me this year that He is the one and only truth and consistency in my life. I have met numerous people to show me certain things about God that I wouldn’t have known without them. I’m learning knew things on a daily basis and soaking it in. I would never want to miss out on a learning opportunity. During the end of this year, it all came together. I have experienced God’s peace like I never thought I would. I can finally say that where I was in not where I am now. The things I once felt are no more and God reminds me every day how much He loves me and that nothing I do will shake the way He feels about me. I am washed white as snow, it is well, it is well with my soul….
I don’t want to set a high expectation for this year, but I do want to continue living my life. I do not want to be worried about tomorrow because today is enough to think about. I will continue living to love the people around me, and putting effort into all of my relationships to only make them better. I just want to carry on from this year, and just continue living my life. There are no reset buttons when you get into the New Year, all you can do is just keep living, learning, and loving.
“One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.
~ Jack Penn
“Never become so much of an expert that you stop gaining expertise. View life as a continuous learning experience."
~ Denis Waitley
No comments:
Post a Comment