GOD

the answer.

I may be in a pickle for almost every moment of my life, but for some reason...It always comes back to you. I need so badly for You to save me. I need love in my life, and I am looking for it in all the wrong places. One day at a time, looking straight forward. There is something missing from my life and it's love...but not just any love... love that is more powerful than any man can even come up with. No words needed in this love. The things men come up with to make things better, don't even come close to the wordless love of God. I may not be able to see it but the love I am talking about doesn't need to be seen to know that it's real. I am faithful that everything will all come into place. I will no longer have to worry about waiting for the man I love to fall in love with me. There will be a peace in my heart bigger than any hug I can get from a man, bigger than any kiss I can get from a man. Heal me with patience, grace, and strength. I just need to remember constantly that You alone are the only thing that can heal me. I need to remember that you are the only consistency in my life, that continues to pick up my pieces that never seem to stay together for too long. You believe in me so much that you constantly remind ME that I am not a screw up and that I will eventually fall into a place that is much bigger than this. You remind me all the time that I am a wonderful woman and that my heart is bigger than the Grand Canyon no matter how down on myself I am feeling. I have given my heart to many people on this earth and have barely saved any for You. I want to give You my whole heart and distribute bits and pieces to others but not the whole thing. I want You to be the owner of my heart. I want You to give me all the love I need, not anyone else. Not until it is in your will that it shall be done. There just needs to be patience placed in my life and all these reminders that You are the only love I need for now. I need to put my heart on lock down, although it is so hard to do that with someone you are so close to. It is amazing how I can feel the strength of 1000 bulls and be quickly knocked down by one man, one friend, one fight, etc. Open my eyes.

Peace

spinning

I'm sitting here, wondering why the heck I just did what I did. I just drove both you and her to your car so you guys could be alone. I hate the idea that you are alone with another girl. I keep saying, If he wants to be with her let him. I've been through this numerous times and you think I would get the picture? But the question is, does he get the picture? I'm DYING here knowing that he is out with her. What is going on here... Am I oblivious, blinded, an idiot... probably. I just hate knowing that he is here in Florida and he is with another girl, and not me. There is some certain words I would like to say, but I cannot openly admit it because it makes me feel like a fool. Like I said before.. 4 years, and I'm still sitting in the same spot. Do things really happen for a reason? What if it's the same thing over and over? When is the reason coming...



so cliche.

can't sleep

4am really?

for once

I would like to think of anything that isn't making my mind go a million miles a second. I so wish I could just move far away from everyone and everything. Maybe Australia, get a hut on the beach with a little hammock in the back. If only life were that simple? Is it totally impossible to live like this? Maybe I just need to cut myself away... Or maybe I'm being a bit high strung. I don't want to deal with grad school stuff and summer school readings. THREE, 600 page books done by the beginning of August!! REALLY????

For a second I had a small apiphany. Maybe just maybe God is telling me that Seminary would be a great place to go to figure stuff out. He prepared me well from NYC to Washington D.C. so I think that maybe he will use Seminary as a tool of preparation. I wouldn't doubt it for a second that God would do something crazy like this. It always seems the things that I don't want are the things in the end that God wants for me in my life. Sometimes it couldn't be more frustrating and annoying...but I get used to it.

All the things I need to say to you...

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.You hold me without touch.You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me.You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Sara Bareilles-"Gravity"