Kind of feeling really crappy about my life right now. Regretting some decisions I have made in the past month. Wishing to death that I didn't move back here and get myself in bad situations. I've never regretted anything i've done until now, because I know that they all could have been prevented. I can't seem to get a grip!!!!! I'm so unbelievably mad at myself...dissapointed more than anything. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep....and cry. I want God so badly and I have had my head turned away from Him practically this whole time i've lived here in Florida. I've succombed myself to the Florida lifestyle. I've landed in a pile of thorns and it hurts, bad. I want God to rescue me, I want to feel love again...REAL LOVE. I don't want anymore of the materialistic, shallow love. I want to feel God again. I'm so hungry for it, I feel like I could really die of actual starvation. I just talked with a friend from Anderson, Christy, she has been one of my greatest friends. I feel so terrible that I haven't talked to her more. Everytime I talk with her I feel better...I realize how stupid I am and how much I love what is important to me. She asked me what the 5 most important things were to me, I said: God, being there for my family, my church family/ and friends, the kids in my youth group, and being a loving person. It made me realize that I've been switching out the important things for the shallow, materialistic things. I've never cared about the guys I met, or the beer I got for cheap--haha...it's always a backdrop NEVER important. It's not important to me now, but it's certainly has consumed my life and become a fake importance. I hate feeling this way, and I have felt this way MANY times before. I know God will pull me from this...but this time I want to learn. This time I don't want to be consumed by society, I want to consume society with my love for God and people. When I go out with my friends from high school, I know for a fact God is weeping. I don't ever want to think about the fact that God is weeping...Jesus suffered so much so that I would have forgiveness and all I can do is take advantage. All I can think of is that day when Jesus died...the pain, the agony, the torment he went through...and I basically laugh in his face. I know I'm just learning but man, I feel stupid. I do feel so much better that I've written this and talked to Christy....I am so glad God is in my life. I'm never hurt, I just forget who I live for. I've brought myself to a very low place, and only God can save me...it's true. I could never save me. I could never forget the things I do, or the pain I've been through. Only God can rescue me from this torture.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. PSALM 130:1-6