realizing my pains

I have dug myself the biggest whole I've ever seen. I am digging deeper and deeper and all I see is hurt and struggle. Because of my own insecurites, and my own mistakes...I have nothing but sadness in my heart. I get myself involved in the same situations, and make myself feel worse and worse about myself...just to feel okay for a second. I have been involved with the same guy for four years, who I have never been in a relationship with. I let guys take advantage of me for the sake of having their attention, and for the sake of my securities. I hate being single, but only because I think having a guy will make my life better. For example, if "what's his name" and I finally dated...my life would be complete and everything would be solved...I hate that I think that way, because its not TRUE! I ran away from my problems after high school, and now I have to deal with them. After you leave college, I sware problems get worse. God is the greatest thing that has happened to me, but satan has a hold of me...and is reminding me of all my past hurts to bring me down. I swore that I had everything figured out by now (EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT EVER!), and that I had forgiven all the people that hurt me and CONTINUE to hurt me. I am still so bitter about this situation with "whats his name." I'm angry that everytime things go right, he runs away...he stops talking to me...finds something/someone better. I am tired of getting the crap end of the stick, when I treat people so well. I hate being selfish, and that's all I feel lately. I have nothing but negativity towards my life...I have nothing but bitterness in my soul. I want God in my life, I want Him SOOOOO bad. I hate feeling so sorry for myself all the time, I hate being so sad all of the time. I hate thinking that I don't deserve the best because of the things I have done, the mistakes I have made. I hate feeling like nothing I ever do will make me feel better....I hate thinking that I'm in control all of the time! There is nothing I want more than to feel content, I feel like right now all I want to do is runaway...thinking that if I move somewhere else all my problems will be solved. I am SO thankful for my life, I am happy that I have my family and the people I have to keep me straight with my decisions. I just want all of this to go away. God please take it away. I thank God for this moment, because I know that this eventually will be a strong moment for me. I thank God that I am learning all of this about me now, instead of later...no matter where I would have gone, or how long...eventually I would run into the hole of hurt and denial I have dug for myself. Thank you God for this moment.

in the midst

I'm always frustrated with my life, my job, my school, my family. Why must I be so bitter? I know God wants me to be here to learn a lesson...To live my life the way He wants me to, in the midst of all the challenge. He never gives us something we cannot handle, if He knows that I can handle this...then I am trusting that when this is over, things will be okay. Leaving Anderson was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I didn't realize it until I was finally gone. I never thought I'd be the one to say that I miss Anderson University. I was reminded by another friends blog that having a mentor is so important. I have been trying my stinking hardest to find someone I can talk to who is older, and more experienced that I can share my life stories and situations with. I know that I can't do this on my own, and i've been trying for the past few months to live on my own without God. He's still there, I just haven't paid enough attention to Him. I miss it, I miss the life I had in Anderson. I miss the friends, the family, etc. It was almost too easy. After college comes nothing but more confusion and frustrations. I feel like I did my freshman year when I didn't know what I wanted to do, except now I know what I want to do. I'm currently working on my master's in counseling, and trying to transfer to either PBA in Florida or Lenoir-Rhyne in North Carolina. Although I may have my selfish desires, I want to do what God wants me to do. I have for the past 3 years based my decisions solely around God, I want my life to mirror Jesus. I want to love people, and help people...these are my desires. I just need to keep reminding myself of who and why I live. I need prayer, satan has done nothing but bring me down....but I need to remain STRONG.

boomerang

There is a termanology to explain the constant need to go back to one specific person...heard it from a high schooler...they call it a boomerang. Once you get so comfortable with someone, and have been through a number of certain events and situations with that person its almost impossible to go back. I have seen so many relationships that have gone sour after a very long time and it's very sad. But I also must say that I have seen many people who have suffered with heartache for so long, get back on their feet. I myself have suffered, but have come out of it. Now, I am at a point where I need to detach myself. I read something today that made me sick to my stomach. A self-realization with the help of a kind man named Terelle that I am in fact, co-dependant. What do you do with yourself when you realize that you are co-dependant? I read a line, it said "In fear of rejection, I am careful with what I say and do"...this along with a number of other things that say I am co-dependant. I wish I could say that I wasn't completely attached to this person. I know that I have feelings for him, but it's almost like I have feelings totally based on comfort...and the fact that I do know we have a very long past. I don't want to restart a relationship with someone, I dont want to give my heart to anyone else...I have already been put through so much. I don't want to have to re-get to know someone. I'm afraid, I don't like when I feel sad...I'm a very happy person. God has continuously brought me through my pain and my suffering. I know for a fact that I will get through this too...I need to have faith that he will bring me through this. The change I have gone through in the past 4 years in immeasurable. I have been changed...yet not all circumstances have been completely changed, I know that God has changed me for a reason and that this relationship was brought back to me for a reason....This may be the last time I go through this with this certain someone. Whether it be a good or a bad. One day at a time...

searching

Where is the nearest hobby lobby? I need new interests!

I need to put my heart out there and go for things...When people ask me what I like to do...I want to give them a solid answer. Look out world, I'm searching for a hobby. Lame I know, but it needs to happen.

So far this I know is true: riding my bike anywhere and everywhere. Taking pictures of anything and everything (one day i'll create a picture book filled with stories of my life). Writing about my life and where I am in it. TRAVELLING, when I get a chance. Singing! I love doing new things! I get bored with things that I have done for so long, so I either need to change it up a bit or get new hobbies...which is what I'm on my way to doing!! :)

is it really worth it?

I need help. I need someone to talk to that I don't know. Someone older and wiser that can listen to me and give me advice. How can I even think for a second that I can be in counseling we I need counseling myself. No, let me rephrase that...my whole family needs counseling and everyone is too stubborn to admit it for even a second. I know that I cannot do this on my own, and yet I continue to make it that way. It's so weird being back home and no one even gets it. I'm trying to make it work...I'm happy here...I love home, I just wish everyone else was happy. I'm tired of feeling like I am trapped here, I want to feel welcome and I want to feel like I can come home and not feel SO stressed that my brain might pop. I have a lot to accomplish in the next year, beginning with starting my masters. The summer is almost over..... and then what?

I need strength and MORE guidance.

GOD

the answer.

I may be in a pickle for almost every moment of my life, but for some reason...It always comes back to you. I need so badly for You to save me. I need love in my life, and I am looking for it in all the wrong places. One day at a time, looking straight forward. There is something missing from my life and it's love...but not just any love... love that is more powerful than any man can even come up with. No words needed in this love. The things men come up with to make things better, don't even come close to the wordless love of God. I may not be able to see it but the love I am talking about doesn't need to be seen to know that it's real. I am faithful that everything will all come into place. I will no longer have to worry about waiting for the man I love to fall in love with me. There will be a peace in my heart bigger than any hug I can get from a man, bigger than any kiss I can get from a man. Heal me with patience, grace, and strength. I just need to remember constantly that You alone are the only thing that can heal me. I need to remember that you are the only consistency in my life, that continues to pick up my pieces that never seem to stay together for too long. You believe in me so much that you constantly remind ME that I am not a screw up and that I will eventually fall into a place that is much bigger than this. You remind me all the time that I am a wonderful woman and that my heart is bigger than the Grand Canyon no matter how down on myself I am feeling. I have given my heart to many people on this earth and have barely saved any for You. I want to give You my whole heart and distribute bits and pieces to others but not the whole thing. I want You to be the owner of my heart. I want You to give me all the love I need, not anyone else. Not until it is in your will that it shall be done. There just needs to be patience placed in my life and all these reminders that You are the only love I need for now. I need to put my heart on lock down, although it is so hard to do that with someone you are so close to. It is amazing how I can feel the strength of 1000 bulls and be quickly knocked down by one man, one friend, one fight, etc. Open my eyes.

Peace

spinning

I'm sitting here, wondering why the heck I just did what I did. I just drove both you and her to your car so you guys could be alone. I hate the idea that you are alone with another girl. I keep saying, If he wants to be with her let him. I've been through this numerous times and you think I would get the picture? But the question is, does he get the picture? I'm DYING here knowing that he is out with her. What is going on here... Am I oblivious, blinded, an idiot... probably. I just hate knowing that he is here in Florida and he is with another girl, and not me. There is some certain words I would like to say, but I cannot openly admit it because it makes me feel like a fool. Like I said before.. 4 years, and I'm still sitting in the same spot. Do things really happen for a reason? What if it's the same thing over and over? When is the reason coming...



so cliche.

can't sleep

4am really?

for once

I would like to think of anything that isn't making my mind go a million miles a second. I so wish I could just move far away from everyone and everything. Maybe Australia, get a hut on the beach with a little hammock in the back. If only life were that simple? Is it totally impossible to live like this? Maybe I just need to cut myself away... Or maybe I'm being a bit high strung. I don't want to deal with grad school stuff and summer school readings. THREE, 600 page books done by the beginning of August!! REALLY????

For a second I had a small apiphany. Maybe just maybe God is telling me that Seminary would be a great place to go to figure stuff out. He prepared me well from NYC to Washington D.C. so I think that maybe he will use Seminary as a tool of preparation. I wouldn't doubt it for a second that God would do something crazy like this. It always seems the things that I don't want are the things in the end that God wants for me in my life. Sometimes it couldn't be more frustrating and annoying...but I get used to it.

All the things I need to say to you...

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.You hold me without touch.You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me.You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Sara Bareilles-"Gravity"

oh goodness

I miss him already. It's only been barely 6 hours. I just can't part with the fact that I might not see him again for a long time, I hate this :(

lasts...

Packing is always so depressing, but this time it's the end. I feel like this is death, this is where I die. I have spent four years with pretty much the same people and I have developed the most amazing relationships with the most amazing people. I am really going to miss this part of my life, and honestly I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll probably meet new people and get a job or go to grad school (who knows where). I just really wish I could tell everyone I know how much they have meant to me over the past 4 years...There really isn't enough time to tell everyone exactly how much they mean. There isn't enough words to describe the influence people have been in my life, and to let them know how much they have changed me. If it weren' for the people I've known and grown with I would have never been able to survive. I am so thankful for every situation I've been put in because for that, I am totally different and I am grateful.

ehhh.

frustrations.

first admitted REGRET, would be that first time we kissed and the next and the next. Because now all I am is a kiss. My emotions always win over self-control.

rejected

rejection haunts me. even when i might not be getting rejected. i am sitting in a room all by myself and all i feel is rejection. it's a constant rejection. i feel wanted by you one minute, and the next i feel rejected. i am insecure, and aware. i don't love myself enough, and i think that's the problem so i use the love of others to fill the void. i reject myself. and i reject my friends, and my family. how can i feel this way on a sunny saturday afternoon? TOM must be here :(

maybe i should get a dog.

head underwater

"Here's a simplification of everything we're going though You plus me is bad news But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am tooBut my friend said I look better without you.Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head."

My moods follow the weather of Indiana. Wet and dreary one day, the next day bright and sunny. No need to explain.

Summer in Florida is gonna be sooooo good! :)

you.

I've gone months without seeing or speaking to you. But I just realized that when you leave, I'm not going to know what to do. In and out of my life for 4 years, but never out of my mind. For 8 months, I went without you being around. All of the sudden you are back, and to think that I am going to lose you again...and maybe forever...makes me sick. I'm way too comfortable here, but I feel okay with it this time. Why did you come back? If you would have just left me be, I wouldn't miss you when you left me for good this time. Am I once again giving myself false hope? I don't know what I'm doing. Last semester I knew what was going on, I had a hold onto what it was I "wanted" even though I still wasn't sure. But at least I wasn't emotionally or physically attached to anyone. I just don't understand why....



Please, don't. Don't look at me with those eyes, that smile. i hate it when you do that because it gives me such great hope. i just want things to stay the way they are, you can just stay away. i'm better off without your smile and your laugh. i'm better off without you (but am I really?). false hope brings me nothing but false smiles. i can't stand to see that look on your face, and the way you look at me with such "meaning." when i know really, it means absolutely nothing. oh, i've gone through this before and i won't let all i have worked for be completely demolished because you give me that one look. please, don't do this to me. please, don't.

happy sunshiney day

The sun is my remedy. All of my fears and anxieties about the future are gone, every negative bone in my body has dissapeared. The Format is perfect band to listen to on this sunny thursday afternoon. Maybe a subway sandwich for dinner will complete this amazing day :)

Indiana sucks though. I'm ready to go somewhere where there is no winter, i'm tired of the cold. I hate this seasonal depression that I have been self-diagnosed with.

image

I have been able to think about my life and where it is going for the past couple of months. I have continuously come to a point where I land in the same place every time I think about it. I have no idea where my life is going. My life consists of a series of unpredictable events, and you know...I'm happy it's like that. I like waiting until the last minute to figure what I'm doing. I like knowing that I may or may not be a very poor, possibly homeless person in about 5 or 6 months. I know that I have a family and a group of friends that I love and that love me back (I hope). All I need to really know is that I will be working on furthering the kingdom through my actions and my love for people and well, God.

College is almost over. NOW WHAT?

first blog on the official "blog"

i have a deep love/hate relationship for men. i want to move to chicago but i can't because i have nothing to do there yet. i want to go to grad school but not in Indiana. i have a huge passion for people and loving people to the Nth degree. i'm obsessed with sunshine and warm weather (probably because i've lived in FL my whole life). this is my first official "blog". i love taking pictures and capturing the greatest things in God's creation. my favorite band is paramore hands down. my favorite solo musician is john mayer. my favorite movies are the ones i used to watch with my sisters when i was a kid (the sandlot, dunstin checks in, wild america, etc...). i love to travel! i'm all about change, especially when i'm bored. i put myself in shitty situations all the time. i say sorry a lot. i'm not good at making decisions. etc and etc... blah blah