so...

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to make some hefty decisions this upcoming season in my life. I'm stepping out of one situtation and attending to a new situation. I will just say that I'm excited to continue on to this next step. Whatever it may, I will surely be ready. Whether it be happy or sad... I will continue to keep my eyes on the prize.

A glimpse of His tapestry...

A New Year means a new or continuation of a resolution, so we all get on our scales and say we want to lose 30 lbs, or that we want to find a new hobby. Every year our resolutions stay the same, without a thought of looking back because we are dawning on a New Year so who cares. Every year I often find myself looking back at the year and remembering all the moments of heartache, challenge, and overcoming of obstacles. I found myself in dark places, places where one says they would never find themselves. I made a disappointment out of myself and God. I found myself unable to forgive others but even after God gave me the strength to do that, I found myself unable to forgive myself. This year I experienced real loneliness, but soon realized that God was doing it so that I was able to experience myself and Him with everything in me. I experienced the depths of my heart and the capability my heart, mind, and flesh has to sin. I took the blanket of protection off and stepped into the world. I came to a crossroads and was unable to make decisions about my life and who I was and wanted to be. This time last year, I thought I lost something that I could never imagine not having and now I couldn’t imagine my life with it. I once envisioned a dark hole where I was placed looking up at the light and always seeing it but never attempting to climb out due to self-pity. I always caught myself saying, “I could never experience that light again, I do not deserve it.” I was finding my worth in the world and telling others to find their worth in God. I was shown that through my suffering God can use me, even someone who has experienced the darkness of her heart. It is through my mistakes that I am able to reach out to others who may have experienced the same. I learned that what I did does not make me who I am. I was told that I was forgiven the moment I asked for it, and meant it. It took only the will power of God to forgive myself, because in my head I had a constant reminder that I was no good. I made the decision to attend Palm Beach Atlantic University to further my education in Counseling Psych. I lead a group of high school girls at Church in the Gardens and they have just continued to show me over and over who God is. I continue to struggle on a daily basis, but the Lord has pulled me out a great deal. I see the light and I want it more and more everyday. I have spent a great deal of this year with one foot in the world and one foot in the light and that is not at all what God has called me to do. I have learned so much about myself, and what I am capable of whether it is good or bad. Even though at one point I was covered in shame and felt like I had been defeated. I look back and just smile with Joy because God has changed me in a way that I cannot describe with words. I am thankful for the bad because it only brings me good. God has just shown me this year that He is the one and only truth and consistency in my life. I have met numerous people to show me certain things about God that I wouldn’t have known without them. I’m learning knew things on a daily basis and soaking it in. I would never want to miss out on a learning opportunity. During the end of this year, it all came together. I have experienced God’s peace like I never thought I would. I can finally say that where I was in not where I am now. The things I once felt are no more and God reminds me every day how much He loves me and that nothing I do will shake the way He feels about me. I am washed white as snow, it is well, it is well with my soul….
I don’t want to set a high expectation for this year, but I do want to continue living my life. I do not want to be worried about tomorrow because today is enough to think about. I will continue living to love the people around me, and putting effort into all of my relationships to only make them better. I just want to carry on from this year, and just continue living my life. There are no reset buttons when you get into the New Year, all you can do is just keep living, learning, and loving.

“One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.
~ Jack Penn
“Never become so much of an expert that you stop gaining expertise. View life as a continuous learning experience."
~ Denis Waitley

Peace like a river...

I am so thankful for God's peace in my life. It's amazing how I can just realize that God has given me the exact peace I have been praying for. Holy moly...something that can bother me so much for such a long time and to look around one day and realize that God has taken that burden... there are no words. I am just so thankful that I have the wisdom to understand that it is only God taking those burdens and not me or anyone or anything else. I have been so awestruck lately by the way God works in our lives. He has finally made His way into my heart...finally. He has told me and made it apparent in my life that patience is a fine virtue and that things will happen in His timing. It's not forced, it's not being pushed in the back of my head but finally I know that certain things will happen when He knows that I am good and ready. I love this year... SO many things to be thankful for. Nothing like going from feeling downright hopeless to having an overflowing amount of hope... yes!

1.21 Gigowatts!!!!!

One day, I am going to write a book.... and I can't wait....who knows when, where, and what about. I just have a deep urge to share my life and how God has the ability to change people through tragedy and experience. There is a deep truth to life, and no one knows exactly what it is but for me, my God has the power to change. We have the power to except and deny. We have the knowledge to turn away and to move forward--we are able to tell our brains that something is right or wrong and we can choose. We are all living in a fearful world, filled with destruction and chaos...why not do it together? Why not love as if our lives are ending tomorrow? If you could say one thing to God what would it be? If you could tell someone something you never had the guts to say, would you say it? and why not if you could? Why do we decide not to say the things we desire in our hearts to say it at that one moment? Why do we regret not saying it? Why is it that I am fearful of rejection because of one man? What is it that can turn me away from that? Honesty is a big factor in our relationships with people, yet we can't say how we really feel out of fear we will hurt someone. Why is that people think that it's better to deceive than just say the truth about how we feel? Why is it so hard to be honest? .... just a few blah thoughts no big deal.

This is what blogging is for right?

one thing in common.

Patience. Something that I have asked for again and again. The idea that life will get better, and that the only way I'll get through it is patience. I have had a few lightbulb moments about this during the past few weeks. I've realized that I'm asking God for patience in almost every moment, but I'm not seeking Him. I'm asking Him to take away pain but I'm not spending time with Him. I get so caught up in asking Him to help me, that I forget to spend time with God in prayer and meditating on His word.

Another lightbulb moment I have had is about this whole boyfriend/husband situation. I've realized that I am unable to rely fully on God, and the expectations I have for a marriage and my relationships is going to need total reliance on God. If I go into a relationship without the knowledge of full reliance on Christ how am I going to have a relationship where I am not leaning on my significant other for everything I need and want. I want to be so in touch with God that I am not able to see the fact that my future husband stands before me. I have had many guys tell me how beautiful I am, or how I am the one that they are going to marry...and for some reason the thought of a man I barely know telling me I'm going to be his wife frightens me. You don't know me, you don't my flaws, my niches, my passions, and all those other things. Is it necessary to know these things before you marry me? CERTAINLY. I want my relationships to be passionate and God driven. Not driven by looks and sex... there is nothing deep about that. Having sex with someone you don't love is shallow and unappealing... lasts for a moment but you're still alone. I have terrible truths but I also have a deep passion for my life and the relationships I have in it. I just want to make sure that I am relying on the good before I get into a serious relationship with someone. I don't want to be dependent on a man, I want to be dependent on God and then my relationship. I want it to be GOD and US. I want that to be the same for my future husband as well, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone that doesn't at least have that one thing in common with me.

"I want to yearn for You, I want to burn with passion over you and only you"

romeo, romeo...where for art thou?

I'm 23. I am not on the brink of old age, in fact I'm just two years past the drinking age and two years near the age that I can rent a car. People keep telling me that it's societies fault that I feel like I need to get married. I say that it's just me. Society schmoscmiety. I want to get married. I want to meet the man of my dreams, and settle down. I have a dream of marrying a man that will not only be there for me through the fat and the skinny BUT I dream that he will be my best friend. I want my relationship with my husband to be the exact yearning I long for in Christ, except my husband will long for that just as much. My relationship with God is number one. I want to know that I will have accountability in my husband. I want to experience Christ-centered love in my relationship, is that too much to ask? I don't think so at all because I've seen it.

Here is where things get crazy.

I want these things now. I'm praying for patience and asking for it everyday. Maybe that's my downfall. Instead of working on growing with the Lord, I'm asking Him for patience in my life--my job, my relationships, where I live, and everything else. I have been focusing so much on patience that I am not giving God any space to work in my life. GO FIGURE! I had a revelation this past week. The revelation is, that I need to depend totally on God before I can expect any man to come into my life. I want to have so much dependance on God that when my future husband comes along, I'll be ready. I won't need to depend SO much on Him and that will give us the strength to have a Christ-centered relationship because we won't need to depend on each other as much, but both be dependant on God. deeeeeeeep breath and ouuuuut... Sometimes writing is a confusing task, because I have all of these things I'm thinking and it's going 1000 times a minute in my head...so what comes out on paper, isn't usually exactly what I want. BUT that's ok. I'm just glad that I got something out of this... He never shows us the whole tapestry, but sometimes we get a small glimpse. I can be so naive and selfish sometimes...it's upsetting lol.

until next time. peace.

Contemplation

I am going to start new things. I want to see broadway musicals, I want to experience art in West Palm Beach, I want to do things that people don't usually do on the weekends. I might as well do something, if I'm going to be living here for a while. I enjoy picnics, sunshine, and music. I want to start doing photography because I love to capture the essence of a loveable, memorable moment. I couldn't imagine my life being this bland anymore. I live my life as a snail; it's a very slow process--yet the days go so fast. I had a wonderful time in Indiana, it was so good to see my greatest friends again. I want to experience life. I don't want to keep sitting here complaining about how dull my life is. I know that life does not have to be this way. If I enjoy my church and my school, why couldn't I enjoy everything else...just because at this time in my life my job stinks. I come here 8 hours a day, 4 days of the week. It's not that bad. I have an idea of what I want my life to look like, and I keep going back to that. I guess I need to take my eyes off of that and focus on what is going on right now. I got to go back to the place I love the most, and I kept thinking "I want to move to Indy"..."how can I move back to Indy and still have the same great things that I have in Florida?" Why is it so hard for me to except that I live in Florida now? I am doing great things here, yet I can't fully see it. Contemplating...

exclamation point

So here I am, once again...sitting in a cubicle in which all of my "work" takes place. Patience is a virtue, yet I can't seem to gather around the fact that I have to work at this god forsaken place for probably another two years. It seems as if I'm stuck in a plastic bubble where I am content, but not fully expressing myself so it makes me feel stuck. Does that make me really content though? Of course I can minister to my fellow employees but will I ? Probably not. This job pays the bills, it gives me something to do during the day rather than soaking my brain with childish cartoons (which is exactly what I would do). I mean, don't get me wrong...I have so much joy in my life...it's the job that kills me. I couldn't even imagine doing this for the rest of my life. I'd rather get paid no money than have to be secluded inside of a building all day without even a breath of excitement in the air. The only time I'm excited is when I forget something in my car and realize I need to go out and get it. This is what my 8 hour days at work consist of, absolutely nothing. I am so thankful for this job during such a horrendous economical time. I just continue to pray for patience because I know I need rejuvenation everyday when I come here Monday-Thursday from 7:30-3:30. deeeep sigh.

On the flip side. I am leaving for Indiana in about 5 hours and I cannot be more excited about this! Another thing to be happy about is, my peers at Palm Beach Atlantic...I haven't really found my niche so to speak but I think finding a niche at this point in my life isn't going to happen. I do know that my niche is at Church in the Gardens... I love the people at my church and I am so joyful to have that in my life.

Oh and another thing I'd really like to meet my husband, RIGHT NOW! :) ahaha....but seriously..... Maybe not now, but it would be awesome if he was in my life.

I just need the patience seriously raining down on me. I love to rush into life!!! But who's to say that I'm not aloud to want a passionate life? I just need to calm down and think about being a little more simplistic, cut some stuff out and enjoy life instead of life enjoying me. I am obsessed with doing things, I need to be around people...I guess I just want to feel God in my life and it helps if I'm doing a million things that involve God. I love God...God is the cheese to my macaroni, without cheese it's just noodles and they are bland and taste bad. Without God my life has tastes bad and there's nothing good about it...filled with a whole lot of nothingness.

Praying for people, still. I would go into more detail about it but let's just say God has put on my heart to pray for this world. I'm not trying to save the world but wouldn't it be awesome if we all just reacted a little differently in some situations. Smile more!!! Hug people!!! give someone a stinking high five!!! Not to be a love crazed person but seriously...instead of reacting like a normal human being maybe we can take a deep breath and realize that we are all here together going through crap, no one is alone or has to be.

random.

noodles? don't noodles? Quit? Don't quit?

Giving up is such an easy concept. To give up means to lose hope, to stop striving for a goal because it may become too much. In my instance, I don't really have a goal. I have a friend, who I have grown to care a lot about in the past few weeks. He's a non-believer and we have had nothing but great conversations about our differences in beliefs. He was born into the catholic church, when he went to college he wrote a paper and everything changed. He began to question pretty much everything and suddenly he went from believer to agnostic which quickly turned into athiesm. I have never really spoken to an athiest, because I've never really put myself out there enough to have a chance. The idea of controlling a situation comes to mind here. I should know that I can't control his mind and the way he thinks, I should know that God is using me for big reasons...but even greater it's not my job to fix people just to "plant seeds" so to speak. I recently began having doubts that I could even have these conversations without feeling like an ass. I am beginning to take matters into my own hands, and I'm trying to find the words to say that will make him change his mind. He is so deep into these non-beliefs that it would be like pulling a sword out of a rock. I have never been one to force my beliefs on anyone, and I don't think I am doing this here...I feel as if I might be getting into it too deep. Not letting God have any room to work. I fully believe that my friend can have a change of heart. It may take a very long time, but that's okay--i've got plenty. All I can really do is pray here, and seek God for His words. I thought about giving up on it for a second, but then realized what will that do in the end? I would be in the same place. I know this situation wasn't placed in front of me just so I can shrug it off like a dirt speck. Big, big things are coming...

decisions...decisions...

As opposed to my last post, this post will be a little bit more positive. I chose to pursue a Master's degree in School Counseling at Palm Beach Atlantic Universiy. I have put in my notice at American Eagle, which my last day will be August 20 (because I'm heading up to Indy for a week and some change) before classes start. It only took me a few months to have all of this figured out. I prayed for so long to have peace, and just kept reading out of proverbs to seek wisdom--great place to find it btw. So worried about what decision would be pleasing that I didn't realize that either one would be pleasing to God--just for the fact that I was seeking God in either situation. I finally felt more comfortable with one decision more than the other and took that leap. After I made the decision final, I had an overload of peace in my heart. I know that I have needed to relearn patience in the past few months; especially with where my life is going. My life hasn't seen much of any kind of change for a little bit (besides my job) so of course it only makes sense that my little sister leaves for college, my parents move to Port St. Lucie, and I start grad school all at once... So now instead of patience I'll need strength!!! LOL

oguhdfusdhfidfv

I'm having a hard time coming to the conclusion that life is the way it is. I'm hearing things about 24 year olds getting kicked out of their grad programs because they believe differently then the school. I'm having athiests talk to me about how there is no evidence that God is real. I imagine that I'm standing in a room filled with moving people and not one person sees me. They pass by, and not even take a glimpse. Why is it that we always want to prey on one another? I felt like I was going to vomit at least 5 times today just thinking about all the questioning about my life that's going on in my head. Why do I want to do what I want to do? Where is it that I want to go? Why do I feel so held back? Why do I have 2 choices and all the sudden don't want to do either one because it's too hard to make a decision? Why am I waiting for a faint whisper to tell me what to do? What is it that makes me want to leave Florida so bad? Why is it so hard to believe that I'm not out to get people because I'm a Christian? Why is it that I've been single during my whole entire existence? What am I going to do when all of the sudden some guy wants to be my husband, boyfriend, whatever? Why am I sitting at a desk all day wasting away? GOSH... my brain HURTSSSS!!!! Here are my plans...I'll go to Anderson Seminary ...maybe... I'll go to PBA for school counseling.... maybe .... I'll move to Alaska, maybe... I've thought about doing these 3 things in the past 24 hours. I'm at a crossroads, and I seriously just want to jump out. Cut me some stinking slack yo!

still sitting at a desk, in a cubicle on a different day.

I feel like poop today. I hate money, and what it does to me (1 Timothy 6:10 and 17). I hate relationships and what they do to me as well. If you ask me—I’d like to live away from it all and live off the land and the Word. I’m not going to lie, I’m so sick to my stomach of the world. Sometimes I wish I could just not be apart of it all. I love helping people, and building relationships but if I could I’d run away from it all, I sometimes feel like I would. This is where God needs me to be strong; this is where He tests my faith. If my faith wasn’t tested, what kind of faith would it be? I keep thinking to myself that I need something new, that I want to experience life in a different way. It doesn’t necessarily mean I need to move to another state--but it would be nice. Maybe move in with a family, or into my own apartment. I don’t know. I seriously feel like I may upchuck from all the faux anxiety I produce within myself. One way satan grabs tight of me is through the anxiety (Psalm 139:23). I feel like nothing is okay, I feel like it will never go away. For some reason I keep making up this whole scenario in my head that if I move back to Indiana, everything will be okay. What am I thinking? The grass is never greener on the other side, I won’t all of the sudden be cured. I’m making up lies in my head in order to figure out how to run away. I don't know.. I feel great, but I still feel weird...like something is missing. I have no stinking idea what the bloody heck it is either. God... help? Did I mention how much I kind of hate my job? It's boring (I sit at a desk for 8 hours, doing financial reports and staring at a computer screen). I'm blessed to have the job for the money, but in every aspect it's everything I hate in a job. I pray for patience...sweet patience.

Matthew 6:19-24, 25-34

Philippians 4:6-7--Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 8-9, Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 2:3-5--Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-14, 16—he knows!!! 17-18—and still He loves me, and still his thoughts about me are precious. 23-24—Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Lord,

Search my heart and know my anxious thoughts. Test me so that my faith may be stronger. Make me more like you, one who is humble and gracious toward others. Adjust my attitude so that I may be more like you. Make me clean, and mold me into a selfless being. Fix my thoughts on what is true and lovely. Take all of my worries away, for you are my provider. I want to seek your kingdom above all else, and live righteously. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow because today brings enough for today. Give me the knowledge to treat others as I would like to be treated. Give me patience to forgive others if they do me wrong, but also give them the knowledge of grace if I have ever done them wrong. Lead me on your narrow path, and don’t let me get too comfortable so that I may walk away with pride. My treasure is in you, so my desires are in you as well. Make me soft and flexible so that you can use and shape me for what you desire. I know that I am capable of sin, so show me the depths of my heart. Let the peace that comes from you, rule in my heart (Col. 3:15). Let your message fill my life. Thank you for all of this that you have provided me with in my life physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Amen.

sitting at a desk, inside a cubicle.

I’ve come to the realization, as I stare at my desktop filled with NYC’s city lights and skyline, that what I want or have wanted has never or usually never matched with what God wants in my life. There was a time when I so badly wanted to graduate from Florida State, become famous, live in New York City (I wanted this the most), and own every piece of clothing and shoe that I wanted. Yes, there is still a place in my head for all of those dreams BUT I have also come to the conclusion that even if I’m not living the fabulous life and I have the things that I need…then life is successful. It would be wonderful to wake up in my studio apartment overlooking the city—but it would be wonderful to wake up in a regular apartment in the middle of the country. My passion is to fill my life and other’s lives with love and justice. Whether I am rich and famous or average and semi well known doesn’t matter to me; just as long as I’m fulfilling what God wants in my life. It seems so cliché as a Christian to say all of these things, but I hold it dear to my heart. I have seen my life do a 360 from the things I’ve wanted and hoped for to the things God wants in my life. Literally going from wanting to stay home for college, to moving all the way to Indiana in a matter of about a month is a mighty good example. Does this mean that I’m set, that I’ve got it all figured out? Heck NO. But it does mean that I am starting off on the right track, and even if I lose my way for a second…I’ll always land back here because I’ve seen His abundant grace and mercy work in my life. You never forget those things. I have never experienced tragedy like some of my friends have, and I can imagine if I did…the way I look at things now would be a little damaged. I do hope if something catastrophic happened in my life now that I would cling to Him and not to my own selfish desires. I pray that for my life and for my future, as well as others. To live a successful, rich life does not always mean being a billionaire on the cover of Forbes magazine. I would give the life of a Christ like human being the definition of just that…it may not be filled with cars and money, but it’s certainly filled with love and compassion that I would find just as great--because it lasts. Things do not last. Our lives on this earth do not last. I truly believe that some things do last; like my relationship with God and the way that I see Him (all consuming, extravagant, healer). Some people say that it’s a cop out, living your life for God; it’s not always easy, believing in something that isn’t there. It’s my tested faith that has grown through my suffering that makes me so eagerly believe that what the Bible says is true and what Jesus did for us is true. I would say it’s harder to live in pain, suffocating from all the guilt and hurt. I would say it’s harder to walk on that wide road (I only say this, because I've felt it)—taking the “easy” way out because we don’t trust or we don’t want to get hurt. But in the end, you are hurting no matter what. We can’t let go of deep hurts on our own; they haunt us with our every breath and every move. I know this because I’ve also seen that. I haven’t always believed in what I believe now, it used to be easy for me to say that I can do this on my own…until I had pain so deep down inside that it felt impossible to love truly. I feel at ease knowing that I am forgiven, for everything.

“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all the same testing’s we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” ---- Hebrews 4:14-16

good news!

Ok. My life has consisted of A LOT of crap. But there is some good news that goes with this crap, and that's God's grace and mercy. This year, has been the toughest year of my life. I have lived an unclean life, and I chose to walk in the way of sin. I'm in a book/bible study right now and we are reading a book called "triumph over suffering". I am the youngest, most single woman in the class. I only say that because, well it's not at all important. The women in this group though, because they are older and have dealt with a lot in their lives...they can relate to me. Not only can I speak about my suffering, but they actually listen and I don't feel like I'm being blown off for talking so much. God works amazingly. I've learned that God is a sovereign God and He allows suffering in our lives for a darn good reason--to further His Kingdom. I've never had a time in my life that stunk that didn't lead to something amazing. I'm a high school leader in the youth group at my church and I love every single one of those girls. It's funny that they call me a leader when I have learned more from them, than I have in a while. I went to a camp called Teen Valley Ranch in Plumtree, NC last week. While I was there, I realized that my life doesn't have to be complicating. To me not following God is harder than anything. When I'm trying to do things on my own, and becoming a chameleon to the ways of this world...that's when I'm in pain. I'm learning that I don't need to go out and have a ridiculous social life to have a fulfilling life, to feel like i'm being accepted. I've learned that i'd rather be accepted in the world of my God. Yes, I have made some god awful mistakes that will surely haunt me for a while, but I know that I have been forgiven...and I know that I don't need to live in this suffering anymore. Everyone has suffering, it's just a matter of whether we choose to let it rule us or let God rule over us. I've decided that I want to be in full time minstry with youth. I want to take the next step in my walk, in my journey. I plan to start grad classes online with my alumni, Anderson University this fall. This journey has just begun...it is FAR from over.

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." -John F. Kennedy

Kind of feeling really crappy about my life right now. Regretting some decisions I have made in the past month. Wishing to death that I didn't move back here and get myself in bad situations. I've never regretted anything i've done until now, because I know that they all could have been prevented. I can't seem to get a grip!!!!! I'm so unbelievably mad at myself...dissapointed more than anything. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep....and cry. I want God so badly and I have had my head turned away from Him practically this whole time i've lived here in Florida. I've succombed myself to the Florida lifestyle. I've landed in a pile of thorns and it hurts, bad. I want God to rescue me, I want to feel love again...REAL LOVE. I don't want anymore of the materialistic, shallow love. I want to feel God again. I'm so hungry for it, I feel like I could really die of actual starvation. I just talked with a friend from Anderson, Christy, she has been one of my greatest friends. I feel so terrible that I haven't talked to her more. Everytime I talk with her I feel better...I realize how stupid I am and how much I love what is important to me. She asked me what the 5 most important things were to me, I said: God, being there for my family, my church family/ and friends, the kids in my youth group, and being a loving person. It made me realize that I've been switching out the important things for the shallow, materialistic things. I've never cared about the guys I met, or the beer I got for cheap--haha...it's always a backdrop NEVER important. It's not important to me now, but it's certainly has consumed my life and become a fake importance. I hate feeling this way, and I have felt this way MANY times before. I know God will pull me from this...but this time I want to learn. This time I don't want to be consumed by society, I want to consume society with my love for God and people. When I go out with my friends from high school, I know for a fact God is weeping. I don't ever want to think about the fact that God is weeping...Jesus suffered so much so that I would have forgiveness and all I can do is take advantage. All I can think of is that day when Jesus died...the pain, the agony, the torment he went through...and I basically laugh in his face. I know I'm just learning but man, I feel stupid. I do feel so much better that I've written this and talked to Christy....I am so glad God is in my life. I'm never hurt, I just forget who I live for. I've brought myself to a very low place, and only God can save me...it's true. I could never save me. I could never forget the things I do, or the pain I've been through. Only God can rescue me from this torture.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. PSALM 130:1-6

sooo bored at work; there's nothing for me to do. I would love to leave work early, go home, put my bathing suit on and sleep while laying out. That sounds perfect.

Almost finished applying to PBA just need my reccomendation's in. Haven't gotten a call about the RD job yet...but that's okay.

break my heart, for what breaks yours.

My heart is at a all time breaking point. I watched invisible children last night for the second time in a few years. All I can think about is the little boy, Jacob, sobbing because he lost his older brother to the LRA. I keep thinking to myself--how many times have I been crying over something that was "detrimental" to me. Watching that small boy cry because he's afraid that he may get abducted and killed; fearing for his life almost 24/7. Makes me fall to my knees, heartbroken. There's nothing I can do besides, pray and have faith. My problems feel so insignificant compared to Jacob's. That is his life, constantly living in fear, wondering when he will get his next meal, and all the other stuff living in a 3rd world country comes with. Most things are expendable to me, 9 out of 10 times I have the things I want...and I eat like nobody's business. You think as a country that owns 15% of the wealth would do something. Maybe even try harder to end the war in Africa. I know it's been years since that movie was released but it's STILL going on...it's now officially been 24 years. We as Americans have more freedom than any other country in the world and we can't even get involved in that war because they haven't done anything to us. We don't want to get involved because it's not in our hands. But we can go over to the middle east thinking we are going to create democracy? I don't see how any of this makes sense... I am so broken. Not because anything bad is happening to me but because I am just one person who wants to create peace within billions of people. I pray that this world opens their eyes--whether or not they believe--but opens their eyes to peace. This world does not have to be this way. God never intended for this to happen. We are all human beings but we have free will and we can change the way we treat people, and the way we handle situations. The situations going on in my life are petty. I feel ashamed for worrying. I trust that God is going to take care of me--I want to trust even more that God will provide more and more peace to developing countries. I am so blessed, so why do I worry about the things I don't have. I know that I am always going to be taken care of. I am broken for them, my eyes see the hurt that is going on around me. People are lost all over, and I'm worried about me? I hear that cry of Jacob, and my heart just breaks a little more. I just want healing in the world. I just want to see love. I know that because of the fall of man, the world is going to be a bad place...but I believe that we can change it...I believe that it doesn't have to be this way. I hate excuses, I hate that we blame the fall of man. We still have FREE-WILL! We still have the power to stop these things. Especially when we have the resources. I'm done for now.

I exist because you exist.

it's all coming back to me now

Passion. for. life.

My heart is taking some deep turns; good. As a dramatic, I never thought I would feel again what I felt for the last year and a half prior to my "downfall". The heartache of losing someone I thought I loved--and moving back home where home was not the word I would call it (more like vacation central). I thought I had become immune to the life I had picked back up (never to see the light of day again). I also thought that if I could maybe experience a breathe of fresh air I would just turn around and things would be okay again. My wounds are not fully healed; but I can feel them closing. I won't say that I will not experience pain again, because that would be a lie. I do want to say that because I keep scraping my knees...I will be a little stronger for the next time. Time is changing, it surely is. I never know what to expect and that makes life so exciting for me. I don't like knowing what the next move will be, to me life is that much more exciting when I have no idea what to expect.

(sighs)

until next time. peace.

30 hour famine--on my mind

For 30 hours on May 7th-8th I will be fasting. The idea of the fasting is to get a very small feel as to what it is like to go hungry--but MOST IMPORTANTLY, raise money to feed hungry children. The idea of the 30 hour famine is to take 30 measily hours away from eating (something we do TOO much of) and raise money so that someone who never eats can be fed. The 30 hour famine is a international youth movement to fight hunger. Not only will it feed hungry children, but it will bring my group of youth and the numerous leaders together as a close community. The greatest thing I have learned about people who are in the same situation together...tend to act out as more of a community. "I exist because you exist"...we survive together, without community we wouldn't survive.

Today 25,000 kids will die due to hunger related causes...that's one child every 3 seconds :(

The goal is to get 12 sponsors to give me $30.00 or more--with that $360.00, we can feed a child for a whole year! I'd like my goal to be double ($720), but I think I'll start at $360. This isn't some event that i'm attending just to say I attended. I do hold this close to my heart because I do believe we can change lives. Last year in the U.S. alone, groups raised around $12 million--which is enough to feed 30,000 children for a whole year. I hope that not only you pray for this event to be successful--you think about even sponsoring. This is HUGE! :)

just a little food for thought...

"love your neighbor" -Jesus

job

I applied for a job at Palm Beach Atlantic University as a Resident Director. I am praying that it is in God's will for me. I want this to be powered by prayer--so I need all the prayer I can get for this. I think this job would be a perfect transitioner for my life, not only that but it will be something I've been wanting to do for a while. I'm studying counseling, and what would be more perfect than developing relationships with a boatload of college students. I'm not going to say anything else about it besides just pray. Like I said, I want this to be solely a God thing...I don't want this because of my selfish desires...I want it if God wants me to have it. If it's not in His will then it won't happen. I don't want to be taken over by evil thoughts; God is in control. I trust in Him fully.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

apparently

this was going to be a blog about my heartache, and after I wrote it all..decided it wasn't worth publishing. I'm tired of depressing heartache blogs. God, I need You and that is all I can really say. I won't go to this blog...I'll just ask You.


I am hungry. I am thirsty. For more of You. I need BEAUTIFUL you.

A gift

Wondering where my life is heading
Questioning my worth again
Struggling to find where I belong
Filling the voids with relationships that aren't worth it
Is there a place for someone like me?

I keep trying to control situations
Not trusting in the one that knows my plan
Embarrased by some bad decisions
Is there a place for someone like me?

You give me chance after chance
constantly taking my hand
landing me on my feet
Deja vu; here I am again...
Fighting against your existance
Will this never end?

Is this what my life consists of?
A huge debate...
Why can't we just be still?
One day I give you my all,
next day just can't seem to catch my fall

Are we living hypocritically?
I think it's a little thing called humanity

He saw it coming, so He sent a man-
to be put to his death
Leading us to our salvation
Bringing us out of our condemnation

Now there's always a place for someone like me.

letting go of bitterness and unforgiveness

I'm slowly learning that there's a long process you need to go through to fully free of bitterness and unforgiveness. I have been trapped with this bitterness for most of my life. Toward friends that have hurt me in the worst ways, through relationships with boys that went sour, and through situations that have happened within my family. I have a relationship with the Lord, I know I am imperfect and I know that most people would probably say, "you're not a good Christian." You know what I say to that, I don't agree at all. I have tried my best for the better part of my life to give everything I am to love people and give my heart to making sure that all my relationships with people are tight. I also know that I have failed NUMEROUS times. I have realized that I am filled with nothing but bitterness and unforgiveness, and it is making my attitude seem different toward people (people that mean something to me). I want to be free of this bitterness; especially since a recent incedent with a boy that I had forgiven just last year for doing this very same thing to me. For years, I have wallowed in pity and sorrow...hoping that one day things would turn out great. I am tired of living in a lie...I am tired of putting on a face, showing everyone that I'm okay. I am okay, yes, but I am also tied down with bitterness that succombs my life. I can't stress enough how terrible I feel like I have been to my friends for the past year...I feel like a failure most of the time because maybe one thing didn't work out with someone. I mainly feel like it might be my fault for things that happen between my friends and I. I don't feel good about myself most of the time, and I expect rejection out of most of my relationships. I want to be free from this. I know that I can be free. I know that God can free me, but before He can do it...I need to forgive myself and forgive the one's that have hurt me in the past and recently. I have decided that I am going to get a list of people that I feel have hurt me, and I am going to make it a point to pray for them and then pray that I have the strength to forgive them but also forgive myself. I just want to be able to live a happy life without old past regrets and bitterness filled inside of me. I know that I do wrong everyday...and I know that most of the time I know when I'm doing something wrong. So I'm not saying this to be like, everything I've done wrong is because of something someone else did to me. NO, I'm saying that I am hurting and I want to be free from this hurt. That is all, just a word before I'm off to bed. Goodnight moon.

a simple act of love

What do you think human services is?

The question I had in my class today was, "Is human services practical or theoretical?"

Human services is an act. There will always be theories and ideas but what you do with those theories and ideas is what human services is-what you do with the gifts of love is what human services is. Human services is an act of love, help, and community. It's the hug you give a friend after their parents just divorced; it's the act of going out into the streets of Haiti or even your own local community and serving other. There are always going to be individuals with issues and struggles, and there are always going to be many communities of people to serve one another. I am just about on the egde of my seat here just thinking about how important human services is. You don't have to get a master's degree to serve, you don't have to do anything but love. It's not always about figuring things out, its about that small action of love that impacts a persons life to possibly better it. I want to be a counselor/mentor because it is my act of love to people. God has given me a gift of openness and a heart full of love for His people...I am just so excited!

God is so good, all the time.

"We know, dear brothers and sisters, that God loves you and has chosen you to be His own people." 1 Thessalonians 1:4

life as I know it

2010 has arrived; I have officially lived through 2 decades. Since my last post, I have felt so many emotions--I have asked God for peace this year. I know that I cannot control my fate, and I cannot control what happens in my relationships. Yes, things got a little rocky but right now...I feel as if I could float on a cloud. I am so happy....and that's how I will end this. Until next time...God is good.