1.21 Gigowatts!!!!!

One day, I am going to write a book.... and I can't wait....who knows when, where, and what about. I just have a deep urge to share my life and how God has the ability to change people through tragedy and experience. There is a deep truth to life, and no one knows exactly what it is but for me, my God has the power to change. We have the power to except and deny. We have the knowledge to turn away and to move forward--we are able to tell our brains that something is right or wrong and we can choose. We are all living in a fearful world, filled with destruction and chaos...why not do it together? Why not love as if our lives are ending tomorrow? If you could say one thing to God what would it be? If you could tell someone something you never had the guts to say, would you say it? and why not if you could? Why do we decide not to say the things we desire in our hearts to say it at that one moment? Why do we regret not saying it? Why is it that I am fearful of rejection because of one man? What is it that can turn me away from that? Honesty is a big factor in our relationships with people, yet we can't say how we really feel out of fear we will hurt someone. Why is that people think that it's better to deceive than just say the truth about how we feel? Why is it so hard to be honest? .... just a few blah thoughts no big deal.

This is what blogging is for right?

one thing in common.

Patience. Something that I have asked for again and again. The idea that life will get better, and that the only way I'll get through it is patience. I have had a few lightbulb moments about this during the past few weeks. I've realized that I'm asking God for patience in almost every moment, but I'm not seeking Him. I'm asking Him to take away pain but I'm not spending time with Him. I get so caught up in asking Him to help me, that I forget to spend time with God in prayer and meditating on His word.

Another lightbulb moment I have had is about this whole boyfriend/husband situation. I've realized that I am unable to rely fully on God, and the expectations I have for a marriage and my relationships is going to need total reliance on God. If I go into a relationship without the knowledge of full reliance on Christ how am I going to have a relationship where I am not leaning on my significant other for everything I need and want. I want to be so in touch with God that I am not able to see the fact that my future husband stands before me. I have had many guys tell me how beautiful I am, or how I am the one that they are going to marry...and for some reason the thought of a man I barely know telling me I'm going to be his wife frightens me. You don't know me, you don't my flaws, my niches, my passions, and all those other things. Is it necessary to know these things before you marry me? CERTAINLY. I want my relationships to be passionate and God driven. Not driven by looks and sex... there is nothing deep about that. Having sex with someone you don't love is shallow and unappealing... lasts for a moment but you're still alone. I have terrible truths but I also have a deep passion for my life and the relationships I have in it. I just want to make sure that I am relying on the good before I get into a serious relationship with someone. I don't want to be dependent on a man, I want to be dependent on God and then my relationship. I want it to be GOD and US. I want that to be the same for my future husband as well, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone that doesn't at least have that one thing in common with me.

"I want to yearn for You, I want to burn with passion over you and only you"