frustrations.

first admitted REGRET, would be that first time we kissed and the next and the next. Because now all I am is a kiss. My emotions always win over self-control.

rejected

rejection haunts me. even when i might not be getting rejected. i am sitting in a room all by myself and all i feel is rejection. it's a constant rejection. i feel wanted by you one minute, and the next i feel rejected. i am insecure, and aware. i don't love myself enough, and i think that's the problem so i use the love of others to fill the void. i reject myself. and i reject my friends, and my family. how can i feel this way on a sunny saturday afternoon? TOM must be here :(

maybe i should get a dog.

head underwater

"Here's a simplification of everything we're going though You plus me is bad news But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am tooBut my friend said I look better without you.Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head."

My moods follow the weather of Indiana. Wet and dreary one day, the next day bright and sunny. No need to explain.

Summer in Florida is gonna be sooooo good! :)

you.

I've gone months without seeing or speaking to you. But I just realized that when you leave, I'm not going to know what to do. In and out of my life for 4 years, but never out of my mind. For 8 months, I went without you being around. All of the sudden you are back, and to think that I am going to lose you again...and maybe forever...makes me sick. I'm way too comfortable here, but I feel okay with it this time. Why did you come back? If you would have just left me be, I wouldn't miss you when you left me for good this time. Am I once again giving myself false hope? I don't know what I'm doing. Last semester I knew what was going on, I had a hold onto what it was I "wanted" even though I still wasn't sure. But at least I wasn't emotionally or physically attached to anyone. I just don't understand why....



Please, don't. Don't look at me with those eyes, that smile. i hate it when you do that because it gives me such great hope. i just want things to stay the way they are, you can just stay away. i'm better off without your smile and your laugh. i'm better off without you (but am I really?). false hope brings me nothing but false smiles. i can't stand to see that look on your face, and the way you look at me with such "meaning." when i know really, it means absolutely nothing. oh, i've gone through this before and i won't let all i have worked for be completely demolished because you give me that one look. please, don't do this to me. please, don't.

happy sunshiney day

The sun is my remedy. All of my fears and anxieties about the future are gone, every negative bone in my body has dissapeared. The Format is perfect band to listen to on this sunny thursday afternoon. Maybe a subway sandwich for dinner will complete this amazing day :)

Indiana sucks though. I'm ready to go somewhere where there is no winter, i'm tired of the cold. I hate this seasonal depression that I have been self-diagnosed with.

image

I have been able to think about my life and where it is going for the past couple of months. I have continuously come to a point where I land in the same place every time I think about it. I have no idea where my life is going. My life consists of a series of unpredictable events, and you know...I'm happy it's like that. I like waiting until the last minute to figure what I'm doing. I like knowing that I may or may not be a very poor, possibly homeless person in about 5 or 6 months. I know that I have a family and a group of friends that I love and that love me back (I hope). All I need to really know is that I will be working on furthering the kingdom through my actions and my love for people and well, God.

College is almost over. NOW WHAT?

first blog on the official "blog"

i have a deep love/hate relationship for men. i want to move to chicago but i can't because i have nothing to do there yet. i want to go to grad school but not in Indiana. i have a huge passion for people and loving people to the Nth degree. i'm obsessed with sunshine and warm weather (probably because i've lived in FL my whole life). this is my first official "blog". i love taking pictures and capturing the greatest things in God's creation. my favorite band is paramore hands down. my favorite solo musician is john mayer. my favorite movies are the ones i used to watch with my sisters when i was a kid (the sandlot, dunstin checks in, wild america, etc...). i love to travel! i'm all about change, especially when i'm bored. i put myself in shitty situations all the time. i say sorry a lot. i'm not good at making decisions. etc and etc... blah blah