realizing my pains

I have dug myself the biggest whole I've ever seen. I am digging deeper and deeper and all I see is hurt and struggle. Because of my own insecurites, and my own mistakes...I have nothing but sadness in my heart. I get myself involved in the same situations, and make myself feel worse and worse about myself...just to feel okay for a second. I have been involved with the same guy for four years, who I have never been in a relationship with. I let guys take advantage of me for the sake of having their attention, and for the sake of my securities. I hate being single, but only because I think having a guy will make my life better. For example, if "what's his name" and I finally dated...my life would be complete and everything would be solved...I hate that I think that way, because its not TRUE! I ran away from my problems after high school, and now I have to deal with them. After you leave college, I sware problems get worse. God is the greatest thing that has happened to me, but satan has a hold of me...and is reminding me of all my past hurts to bring me down. I swore that I had everything figured out by now (EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT EVER!), and that I had forgiven all the people that hurt me and CONTINUE to hurt me. I am still so bitter about this situation with "whats his name." I'm angry that everytime things go right, he runs away...he stops talking to me...finds something/someone better. I am tired of getting the crap end of the stick, when I treat people so well. I hate being selfish, and that's all I feel lately. I have nothing but negativity towards my life...I have nothing but bitterness in my soul. I want God in my life, I want Him SOOOOO bad. I hate feeling so sorry for myself all the time, I hate being so sad all of the time. I hate thinking that I don't deserve the best because of the things I have done, the mistakes I have made. I hate feeling like nothing I ever do will make me feel better....I hate thinking that I'm in control all of the time! There is nothing I want more than to feel content, I feel like right now all I want to do is runaway...thinking that if I move somewhere else all my problems will be solved. I am SO thankful for my life, I am happy that I have my family and the people I have to keep me straight with my decisions. I just want all of this to go away. God please take it away. I thank God for this moment, because I know that this eventually will be a strong moment for me. I thank God that I am learning all of this about me now, instead of later...no matter where I would have gone, or how long...eventually I would run into the hole of hurt and denial I have dug for myself. Thank you God for this moment.