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Goodbye, I should be saying that to you by now...shouldn't I?

It's been over a year now... Since we last had a "consistent" talk. I could be wrong but I feel like we're both hanging on to something or else we would have been completely through by now? Now that I rethink it, I'm probably wrong. A very complicated but not so much relationship friendship for 5 years... on and off. Not sure what outweighs what, the on or the off. I was always trying to figure everything out with us and It made me tired. I let it go for a really long time, and now all of the sudden I can't seem to shake it. I guess it doesn't help that we have exchanged a few words over technology. Does this really have to go on until we either realize it is or isn't something. I assumed we realized it isn't, why else would we completely avoid each other for over a year. Fear?

I had a dream a few nights ago. You were there, and it was a similar setting to one i've seen before, but a very new conversation. It was a while since we had last seen each other and well we ran into each other. To make a short dream that seemed long, SHORT. You asked me what I had been up to, I told you... and you said, "I miss knowing what's going on with you. I miss having you in my life." I blankly stared at you in this dream... it was like it was real to the degree of thinking it actually happened. Then you said, "I want you in my life, I'm just not sure how I want you in my life."

I woke up really upset. You didn't really say those things to me, I don't even know if you think those things. I of course miss you, you have always been what seems to be a big part of my life. I don't want to try and figure out this dream because, it's a dream. Maybe it's something in the back of my mind that I've wanted you to say, but I've made it a point not to think about. I'm really good at doing that. It's almost a job that I pick up when we stop talking. Of course I was upset that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to at that point in our lives. A whole year has gone by though, and a lot has changed since we were last consistent with conversation. There's a lot we don't know about each other now, and yet I am holding on so contagiously.
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Lord,
Give me strength. Help me understand why. I haven't prayed for this in a long time, mainly because I gave up (which is not what you call us to do). Sometimes praying for something over and over again is what it takes for something to happen. Thank you for changing my life, and thank you for always showing me what's important... which is my realtionship with You. I cannot do this alone. I want to move forward, but there is still a yearning for this thing in my life. Please help me give up trying to control the issue, and allow You to take over. If this is something that you want in my life, You will make it happen. I don't want to be in control anymore. Give me different words if I am praying for the wrong thing. I want Your will in my life. Even though it pains me to let it go, if that's what You want for me God I will do it only because I know you will provide me the strength and eventually somewhat of an answer. If you want it, You will make it happen in Your timing, when we are most ready for it. As much as I want to get married, you know when I will be ready... You will know when my future husband will be ready. I long for a love I have with you to be joined with a man who feels the same way. Only your love entertwined within a marriage can keep it alive. I'm tired of asking questions, I just want You to take control. When we are good and ready, it will happen. Thank You for always giving me peace Lord when I need it most. Lord, soften my heart for You and my relationships. I want to be flexible to Your plan... I do not want to settle for anything less than what You have for me. I love You and I will continue to keep praying that Your light be shined throughout my life and also within the relationships that I have. I know words do not do justice because you are All-mighty and I am small. You have the ability to control my life without me asking--You have the ability to take control when I am resisting. I have realized how insignificant I make you feel in my life. I experience that same feeling so I should show more gratitude towards You. Maybe I will start to feel less insignificant, once I start making you feel less insignificant. You are what shapes me and makes me who I am. You take me for who I am, always... even when I am at my lowest point. You never make me feel insignificant, and yet I let people make me feel this way all of the time. Thank You for always believing in me, even when I forget that You are the all-powerful creator. Thank You for taking me under Your wing when I am lonely, and trying to do things on my own. You continue to bring genuine people in my life to show me that there are people who really follow You and have real convictions and recognize them. Thank You for these people. Thank You for teaching me how to love when I feel like nobody loves me. I know that you never stop loving me and accepting me--and humans fail. I realize that humans fail, but I will continue to love them just like You continue to love me.
Amen.