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I'm having a hard time coming to the conclusion that life is the way it is. I'm hearing things about 24 year olds getting kicked out of their grad programs because they believe differently then the school. I'm having athiests talk to me about how there is no evidence that God is real. I imagine that I'm standing in a room filled with moving people and not one person sees me. They pass by, and not even take a glimpse. Why is it that we always want to prey on one another? I felt like I was going to vomit at least 5 times today just thinking about all the questioning about my life that's going on in my head. Why do I want to do what I want to do? Where is it that I want to go? Why do I feel so held back? Why do I have 2 choices and all the sudden don't want to do either one because it's too hard to make a decision? Why am I waiting for a faint whisper to tell me what to do? What is it that makes me want to leave Florida so bad? Why is it so hard to believe that I'm not out to get people because I'm a Christian? Why is it that I've been single during my whole entire existence? What am I going to do when all of the sudden some guy wants to be my husband, boyfriend, whatever? Why am I sitting at a desk all day wasting away? GOSH... my brain HURTSSSS!!!! Here are my plans...I'll go to Anderson Seminary ...maybe... I'll go to PBA for school counseling.... maybe .... I'll move to Alaska, maybe... I've thought about doing these 3 things in the past 24 hours. I'm at a crossroads, and I seriously just want to jump out. Cut me some stinking slack yo!

still sitting at a desk, in a cubicle on a different day.

I feel like poop today. I hate money, and what it does to me (1 Timothy 6:10 and 17). I hate relationships and what they do to me as well. If you ask me—I’d like to live away from it all and live off the land and the Word. I’m not going to lie, I’m so sick to my stomach of the world. Sometimes I wish I could just not be apart of it all. I love helping people, and building relationships but if I could I’d run away from it all, I sometimes feel like I would. This is where God needs me to be strong; this is where He tests my faith. If my faith wasn’t tested, what kind of faith would it be? I keep thinking to myself that I need something new, that I want to experience life in a different way. It doesn’t necessarily mean I need to move to another state--but it would be nice. Maybe move in with a family, or into my own apartment. I don’t know. I seriously feel like I may upchuck from all the faux anxiety I produce within myself. One way satan grabs tight of me is through the anxiety (Psalm 139:23). I feel like nothing is okay, I feel like it will never go away. For some reason I keep making up this whole scenario in my head that if I move back to Indiana, everything will be okay. What am I thinking? The grass is never greener on the other side, I won’t all of the sudden be cured. I’m making up lies in my head in order to figure out how to run away. I don't know.. I feel great, but I still feel weird...like something is missing. I have no stinking idea what the bloody heck it is either. God... help? Did I mention how much I kind of hate my job? It's boring (I sit at a desk for 8 hours, doing financial reports and staring at a computer screen). I'm blessed to have the job for the money, but in every aspect it's everything I hate in a job. I pray for patience...sweet patience.

Matthew 6:19-24, 25-34

Philippians 4:6-7--Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 8-9, Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 2:3-5--Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-14, 16—he knows!!! 17-18—and still He loves me, and still his thoughts about me are precious. 23-24—Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Lord,

Search my heart and know my anxious thoughts. Test me so that my faith may be stronger. Make me more like you, one who is humble and gracious toward others. Adjust my attitude so that I may be more like you. Make me clean, and mold me into a selfless being. Fix my thoughts on what is true and lovely. Take all of my worries away, for you are my provider. I want to seek your kingdom above all else, and live righteously. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow because today brings enough for today. Give me the knowledge to treat others as I would like to be treated. Give me patience to forgive others if they do me wrong, but also give them the knowledge of grace if I have ever done them wrong. Lead me on your narrow path, and don’t let me get too comfortable so that I may walk away with pride. My treasure is in you, so my desires are in you as well. Make me soft and flexible so that you can use and shape me for what you desire. I know that I am capable of sin, so show me the depths of my heart. Let the peace that comes from you, rule in my heart (Col. 3:15). Let your message fill my life. Thank you for all of this that you have provided me with in my life physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Amen.

sitting at a desk, inside a cubicle.

I’ve come to the realization, as I stare at my desktop filled with NYC’s city lights and skyline, that what I want or have wanted has never or usually never matched with what God wants in my life. There was a time when I so badly wanted to graduate from Florida State, become famous, live in New York City (I wanted this the most), and own every piece of clothing and shoe that I wanted. Yes, there is still a place in my head for all of those dreams BUT I have also come to the conclusion that even if I’m not living the fabulous life and I have the things that I need…then life is successful. It would be wonderful to wake up in my studio apartment overlooking the city—but it would be wonderful to wake up in a regular apartment in the middle of the country. My passion is to fill my life and other’s lives with love and justice. Whether I am rich and famous or average and semi well known doesn’t matter to me; just as long as I’m fulfilling what God wants in my life. It seems so cliché as a Christian to say all of these things, but I hold it dear to my heart. I have seen my life do a 360 from the things I’ve wanted and hoped for to the things God wants in my life. Literally going from wanting to stay home for college, to moving all the way to Indiana in a matter of about a month is a mighty good example. Does this mean that I’m set, that I’ve got it all figured out? Heck NO. But it does mean that I am starting off on the right track, and even if I lose my way for a second…I’ll always land back here because I’ve seen His abundant grace and mercy work in my life. You never forget those things. I have never experienced tragedy like some of my friends have, and I can imagine if I did…the way I look at things now would be a little damaged. I do hope if something catastrophic happened in my life now that I would cling to Him and not to my own selfish desires. I pray that for my life and for my future, as well as others. To live a successful, rich life does not always mean being a billionaire on the cover of Forbes magazine. I would give the life of a Christ like human being the definition of just that…it may not be filled with cars and money, but it’s certainly filled with love and compassion that I would find just as great--because it lasts. Things do not last. Our lives on this earth do not last. I truly believe that some things do last; like my relationship with God and the way that I see Him (all consuming, extravagant, healer). Some people say that it’s a cop out, living your life for God; it’s not always easy, believing in something that isn’t there. It’s my tested faith that has grown through my suffering that makes me so eagerly believe that what the Bible says is true and what Jesus did for us is true. I would say it’s harder to live in pain, suffocating from all the guilt and hurt. I would say it’s harder to walk on that wide road (I only say this, because I've felt it)—taking the “easy” way out because we don’t trust or we don’t want to get hurt. But in the end, you are hurting no matter what. We can’t let go of deep hurts on our own; they haunt us with our every breath and every move. I know this because I’ve also seen that. I haven’t always believed in what I believe now, it used to be easy for me to say that I can do this on my own…until I had pain so deep down inside that it felt impossible to love truly. I feel at ease knowing that I am forgiven, for everything.

“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all the same testing’s we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” ---- Hebrews 4:14-16

good news!

Ok. My life has consisted of A LOT of crap. But there is some good news that goes with this crap, and that's God's grace and mercy. This year, has been the toughest year of my life. I have lived an unclean life, and I chose to walk in the way of sin. I'm in a book/bible study right now and we are reading a book called "triumph over suffering". I am the youngest, most single woman in the class. I only say that because, well it's not at all important. The women in this group though, because they are older and have dealt with a lot in their lives...they can relate to me. Not only can I speak about my suffering, but they actually listen and I don't feel like I'm being blown off for talking so much. God works amazingly. I've learned that God is a sovereign God and He allows suffering in our lives for a darn good reason--to further His Kingdom. I've never had a time in my life that stunk that didn't lead to something amazing. I'm a high school leader in the youth group at my church and I love every single one of those girls. It's funny that they call me a leader when I have learned more from them, than I have in a while. I went to a camp called Teen Valley Ranch in Plumtree, NC last week. While I was there, I realized that my life doesn't have to be complicating. To me not following God is harder than anything. When I'm trying to do things on my own, and becoming a chameleon to the ways of this world...that's when I'm in pain. I'm learning that I don't need to go out and have a ridiculous social life to have a fulfilling life, to feel like i'm being accepted. I've learned that i'd rather be accepted in the world of my God. Yes, I have made some god awful mistakes that will surely haunt me for a while, but I know that I have been forgiven...and I know that I don't need to live in this suffering anymore. Everyone has suffering, it's just a matter of whether we choose to let it rule us or let God rule over us. I've decided that I want to be in full time minstry with youth. I want to take the next step in my walk, in my journey. I plan to start grad classes online with my alumni, Anderson University this fall. This journey has just begun...it is FAR from over.

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." -John F. Kennedy

Kind of feeling really crappy about my life right now. Regretting some decisions I have made in the past month. Wishing to death that I didn't move back here and get myself in bad situations. I've never regretted anything i've done until now, because I know that they all could have been prevented. I can't seem to get a grip!!!!! I'm so unbelievably mad at myself...dissapointed more than anything. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep....and cry. I want God so badly and I have had my head turned away from Him practically this whole time i've lived here in Florida. I've succombed myself to the Florida lifestyle. I've landed in a pile of thorns and it hurts, bad. I want God to rescue me, I want to feel love again...REAL LOVE. I don't want anymore of the materialistic, shallow love. I want to feel God again. I'm so hungry for it, I feel like I could really die of actual starvation. I just talked with a friend from Anderson, Christy, she has been one of my greatest friends. I feel so terrible that I haven't talked to her more. Everytime I talk with her I feel better...I realize how stupid I am and how much I love what is important to me. She asked me what the 5 most important things were to me, I said: God, being there for my family, my church family/ and friends, the kids in my youth group, and being a loving person. It made me realize that I've been switching out the important things for the shallow, materialistic things. I've never cared about the guys I met, or the beer I got for cheap--haha...it's always a backdrop NEVER important. It's not important to me now, but it's certainly has consumed my life and become a fake importance. I hate feeling this way, and I have felt this way MANY times before. I know God will pull me from this...but this time I want to learn. This time I don't want to be consumed by society, I want to consume society with my love for God and people. When I go out with my friends from high school, I know for a fact God is weeping. I don't ever want to think about the fact that God is weeping...Jesus suffered so much so that I would have forgiveness and all I can do is take advantage. All I can think of is that day when Jesus died...the pain, the agony, the torment he went through...and I basically laugh in his face. I know I'm just learning but man, I feel stupid. I do feel so much better that I've written this and talked to Christy....I am so glad God is in my life. I'm never hurt, I just forget who I live for. I've brought myself to a very low place, and only God can save me...it's true. I could never save me. I could never forget the things I do, or the pain I've been through. Only God can rescue me from this torture.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. PSALM 130:1-6

sooo bored at work; there's nothing for me to do. I would love to leave work early, go home, put my bathing suit on and sleep while laying out. That sounds perfect.

Almost finished applying to PBA just need my reccomendation's in. Haven't gotten a call about the RD job yet...but that's okay.

break my heart, for what breaks yours.

My heart is at a all time breaking point. I watched invisible children last night for the second time in a few years. All I can think about is the little boy, Jacob, sobbing because he lost his older brother to the LRA. I keep thinking to myself--how many times have I been crying over something that was "detrimental" to me. Watching that small boy cry because he's afraid that he may get abducted and killed; fearing for his life almost 24/7. Makes me fall to my knees, heartbroken. There's nothing I can do besides, pray and have faith. My problems feel so insignificant compared to Jacob's. That is his life, constantly living in fear, wondering when he will get his next meal, and all the other stuff living in a 3rd world country comes with. Most things are expendable to me, 9 out of 10 times I have the things I want...and I eat like nobody's business. You think as a country that owns 15% of the wealth would do something. Maybe even try harder to end the war in Africa. I know it's been years since that movie was released but it's STILL going on...it's now officially been 24 years. We as Americans have more freedom than any other country in the world and we can't even get involved in that war because they haven't done anything to us. We don't want to get involved because it's not in our hands. But we can go over to the middle east thinking we are going to create democracy? I don't see how any of this makes sense... I am so broken. Not because anything bad is happening to me but because I am just one person who wants to create peace within billions of people. I pray that this world opens their eyes--whether or not they believe--but opens their eyes to peace. This world does not have to be this way. God never intended for this to happen. We are all human beings but we have free will and we can change the way we treat people, and the way we handle situations. The situations going on in my life are petty. I feel ashamed for worrying. I trust that God is going to take care of me--I want to trust even more that God will provide more and more peace to developing countries. I am so blessed, so why do I worry about the things I don't have. I know that I am always going to be taken care of. I am broken for them, my eyes see the hurt that is going on around me. People are lost all over, and I'm worried about me? I hear that cry of Jacob, and my heart just breaks a little more. I just want healing in the world. I just want to see love. I know that because of the fall of man, the world is going to be a bad place...but I believe that we can change it...I believe that it doesn't have to be this way. I hate excuses, I hate that we blame the fall of man. We still have FREE-WILL! We still have the power to stop these things. Especially when we have the resources. I'm done for now.

I exist because you exist.