I’ve come to the realization, as I stare at my desktop filled with NYC’s city lights and skyline, that what I want or have wanted has never or usually never matched with what God wants in my life. There was a time when I so badly wanted to graduate from Florida State, become famous, live in New York City (I wanted this the most), and own every piece of clothing and shoe that I wanted. Yes, there is still a place in my head for all of those dreams BUT I have also come to the conclusion that even if I’m not living the fabulous life and I have the things that I need…then life is successful. It would be wonderful to wake up in my studio apartment overlooking the city—but it would be wonderful to wake up in a regular apartment in the middle of the country. My passion is to fill my life and other’s lives with love and justice. Whether I am rich and famous or average and semi well known doesn’t matter to me; just as long as I’m fulfilling what God wants in my life. It seems so cliché as a Christian to say all of these things, but I hold it dear to my heart. I have seen my life do a 360 from the things I’ve wanted and hoped for to the things God wants in my life. Literally going from wanting to stay home for college, to moving all the way to Indiana in a matter of about a month is a mighty good example. Does this mean that I’m set, that I’ve got it all figured out? Heck NO. But it does mean that I am starting off on the right track, and even if I lose my way for a second…I’ll always land back here because I’ve seen His abundant grace and mercy work in my life. You never forget those things. I have never experienced tragedy like some of my friends have, and I can imagine if I did…the way I look at things now would be a little damaged. I do hope if something catastrophic happened in my life now that I would cling to Him and not to my own selfish desires. I pray that for my life and for my future, as well as others. To live a successful, rich life does not always mean being a billionaire on the cover of Forbes magazine. I would give the life of a Christ like human being the definition of just that…it may not be filled with cars and money, but it’s certainly filled with love and compassion that I would find just as great--because it lasts. Things do not last. Our lives on this earth do not last. I truly believe that some things do last; like my relationship with God and the way that I see Him (all consuming, extravagant, healer). Some people say that it’s a cop out, living your life for God; it’s not always easy, believing in something that isn’t there. It’s my tested faith that has grown through my suffering that makes me so eagerly believe that what the Bible says is true and what Jesus did for us is true. I would say it’s harder to live in pain, suffocating from all the guilt and hurt. I would say it’s harder to walk on that wide road (I only say this, because I've felt it)—taking the “easy” way out because we don’t trust or we don’t want to get hurt. But in the end, you are hurting no matter what. We can’t let go of deep hurts on our own; they haunt us with our every breath and every move. I know this because I’ve also seen that. I haven’t always believed in what I believe now, it used to be easy for me to say that I can do this on my own…until I had pain so deep down inside that it felt impossible to love truly. I feel at ease knowing that I am forgiven, for everything.
“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all the same testing’s we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” ---- Hebrews 4:14-16
No comments:
Post a Comment