oguhdfusdhfidfv

I'm having a hard time coming to the conclusion that life is the way it is. I'm hearing things about 24 year olds getting kicked out of their grad programs because they believe differently then the school. I'm having athiests talk to me about how there is no evidence that God is real. I imagine that I'm standing in a room filled with moving people and not one person sees me. They pass by, and not even take a glimpse. Why is it that we always want to prey on one another? I felt like I was going to vomit at least 5 times today just thinking about all the questioning about my life that's going on in my head. Why do I want to do what I want to do? Where is it that I want to go? Why do I feel so held back? Why do I have 2 choices and all the sudden don't want to do either one because it's too hard to make a decision? Why am I waiting for a faint whisper to tell me what to do? What is it that makes me want to leave Florida so bad? Why is it so hard to believe that I'm not out to get people because I'm a Christian? Why is it that I've been single during my whole entire existence? What am I going to do when all of the sudden some guy wants to be my husband, boyfriend, whatever? Why am I sitting at a desk all day wasting away? GOSH... my brain HURTSSSS!!!! Here are my plans...I'll go to Anderson Seminary ...maybe... I'll go to PBA for school counseling.... maybe .... I'll move to Alaska, maybe... I've thought about doing these 3 things in the past 24 hours. I'm at a crossroads, and I seriously just want to jump out. Cut me some stinking slack yo!

still sitting at a desk, in a cubicle on a different day.

I feel like poop today. I hate money, and what it does to me (1 Timothy 6:10 and 17). I hate relationships and what they do to me as well. If you ask me—I’d like to live away from it all and live off the land and the Word. I’m not going to lie, I’m so sick to my stomach of the world. Sometimes I wish I could just not be apart of it all. I love helping people, and building relationships but if I could I’d run away from it all, I sometimes feel like I would. This is where God needs me to be strong; this is where He tests my faith. If my faith wasn’t tested, what kind of faith would it be? I keep thinking to myself that I need something new, that I want to experience life in a different way. It doesn’t necessarily mean I need to move to another state--but it would be nice. Maybe move in with a family, or into my own apartment. I don’t know. I seriously feel like I may upchuck from all the faux anxiety I produce within myself. One way satan grabs tight of me is through the anxiety (Psalm 139:23). I feel like nothing is okay, I feel like it will never go away. For some reason I keep making up this whole scenario in my head that if I move back to Indiana, everything will be okay. What am I thinking? The grass is never greener on the other side, I won’t all of the sudden be cured. I’m making up lies in my head in order to figure out how to run away. I don't know.. I feel great, but I still feel weird...like something is missing. I have no stinking idea what the bloody heck it is either. God... help? Did I mention how much I kind of hate my job? It's boring (I sit at a desk for 8 hours, doing financial reports and staring at a computer screen). I'm blessed to have the job for the money, but in every aspect it's everything I hate in a job. I pray for patience...sweet patience.

Matthew 6:19-24, 25-34

Philippians 4:6-7--Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 8-9, Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 2:3-5--Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-14, 16—he knows!!! 17-18—and still He loves me, and still his thoughts about me are precious. 23-24—Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Lord,

Search my heart and know my anxious thoughts. Test me so that my faith may be stronger. Make me more like you, one who is humble and gracious toward others. Adjust my attitude so that I may be more like you. Make me clean, and mold me into a selfless being. Fix my thoughts on what is true and lovely. Take all of my worries away, for you are my provider. I want to seek your kingdom above all else, and live righteously. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow because today brings enough for today. Give me the knowledge to treat others as I would like to be treated. Give me patience to forgive others if they do me wrong, but also give them the knowledge of grace if I have ever done them wrong. Lead me on your narrow path, and don’t let me get too comfortable so that I may walk away with pride. My treasure is in you, so my desires are in you as well. Make me soft and flexible so that you can use and shape me for what you desire. I know that I am capable of sin, so show me the depths of my heart. Let the peace that comes from you, rule in my heart (Col. 3:15). Let your message fill my life. Thank you for all of this that you have provided me with in my life physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Amen.

sitting at a desk, inside a cubicle.

I’ve come to the realization, as I stare at my desktop filled with NYC’s city lights and skyline, that what I want or have wanted has never or usually never matched with what God wants in my life. There was a time when I so badly wanted to graduate from Florida State, become famous, live in New York City (I wanted this the most), and own every piece of clothing and shoe that I wanted. Yes, there is still a place in my head for all of those dreams BUT I have also come to the conclusion that even if I’m not living the fabulous life and I have the things that I need…then life is successful. It would be wonderful to wake up in my studio apartment overlooking the city—but it would be wonderful to wake up in a regular apartment in the middle of the country. My passion is to fill my life and other’s lives with love and justice. Whether I am rich and famous or average and semi well known doesn’t matter to me; just as long as I’m fulfilling what God wants in my life. It seems so cliché as a Christian to say all of these things, but I hold it dear to my heart. I have seen my life do a 360 from the things I’ve wanted and hoped for to the things God wants in my life. Literally going from wanting to stay home for college, to moving all the way to Indiana in a matter of about a month is a mighty good example. Does this mean that I’m set, that I’ve got it all figured out? Heck NO. But it does mean that I am starting off on the right track, and even if I lose my way for a second…I’ll always land back here because I’ve seen His abundant grace and mercy work in my life. You never forget those things. I have never experienced tragedy like some of my friends have, and I can imagine if I did…the way I look at things now would be a little damaged. I do hope if something catastrophic happened in my life now that I would cling to Him and not to my own selfish desires. I pray that for my life and for my future, as well as others. To live a successful, rich life does not always mean being a billionaire on the cover of Forbes magazine. I would give the life of a Christ like human being the definition of just that…it may not be filled with cars and money, but it’s certainly filled with love and compassion that I would find just as great--because it lasts. Things do not last. Our lives on this earth do not last. I truly believe that some things do last; like my relationship with God and the way that I see Him (all consuming, extravagant, healer). Some people say that it’s a cop out, living your life for God; it’s not always easy, believing in something that isn’t there. It’s my tested faith that has grown through my suffering that makes me so eagerly believe that what the Bible says is true and what Jesus did for us is true. I would say it’s harder to live in pain, suffocating from all the guilt and hurt. I would say it’s harder to walk on that wide road (I only say this, because I've felt it)—taking the “easy” way out because we don’t trust or we don’t want to get hurt. But in the end, you are hurting no matter what. We can’t let go of deep hurts on our own; they haunt us with our every breath and every move. I know this because I’ve also seen that. I haven’t always believed in what I believe now, it used to be easy for me to say that I can do this on my own…until I had pain so deep down inside that it felt impossible to love truly. I feel at ease knowing that I am forgiven, for everything.

“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all the same testing’s we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” ---- Hebrews 4:14-16

good news!

Ok. My life has consisted of A LOT of crap. But there is some good news that goes with this crap, and that's God's grace and mercy. This year, has been the toughest year of my life. I have lived an unclean life, and I chose to walk in the way of sin. I'm in a book/bible study right now and we are reading a book called "triumph over suffering". I am the youngest, most single woman in the class. I only say that because, well it's not at all important. The women in this group though, because they are older and have dealt with a lot in their lives...they can relate to me. Not only can I speak about my suffering, but they actually listen and I don't feel like I'm being blown off for talking so much. God works amazingly. I've learned that God is a sovereign God and He allows suffering in our lives for a darn good reason--to further His Kingdom. I've never had a time in my life that stunk that didn't lead to something amazing. I'm a high school leader in the youth group at my church and I love every single one of those girls. It's funny that they call me a leader when I have learned more from them, than I have in a while. I went to a camp called Teen Valley Ranch in Plumtree, NC last week. While I was there, I realized that my life doesn't have to be complicating. To me not following God is harder than anything. When I'm trying to do things on my own, and becoming a chameleon to the ways of this world...that's when I'm in pain. I'm learning that I don't need to go out and have a ridiculous social life to have a fulfilling life, to feel like i'm being accepted. I've learned that i'd rather be accepted in the world of my God. Yes, I have made some god awful mistakes that will surely haunt me for a while, but I know that I have been forgiven...and I know that I don't need to live in this suffering anymore. Everyone has suffering, it's just a matter of whether we choose to let it rule us or let God rule over us. I've decided that I want to be in full time minstry with youth. I want to take the next step in my walk, in my journey. I plan to start grad classes online with my alumni, Anderson University this fall. This journey has just begun...it is FAR from over.

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." -John F. Kennedy