Kind of feeling really crappy about my life right now. Regretting some decisions I have made in the past month. Wishing to death that I didn't move back here and get myself in bad situations. I've never regretted anything i've done until now, because I know that they all could have been prevented. I can't seem to get a grip!!!!! I'm so unbelievably mad at myself...dissapointed more than anything. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep....and cry. I want God so badly and I have had my head turned away from Him practically this whole time i've lived here in Florida. I've succombed myself to the Florida lifestyle. I've landed in a pile of thorns and it hurts, bad. I want God to rescue me, I want to feel love again...REAL LOVE. I don't want anymore of the materialistic, shallow love. I want to feel God again. I'm so hungry for it, I feel like I could really die of actual starvation. I just talked with a friend from Anderson, Christy, she has been one of my greatest friends. I feel so terrible that I haven't talked to her more. Everytime I talk with her I feel better...I realize how stupid I am and how much I love what is important to me. She asked me what the 5 most important things were to me, I said: God, being there for my family, my church family/ and friends, the kids in my youth group, and being a loving person. It made me realize that I've been switching out the important things for the shallow, materialistic things. I've never cared about the guys I met, or the beer I got for cheap--haha...it's always a backdrop NEVER important. It's not important to me now, but it's certainly has consumed my life and become a fake importance. I hate feeling this way, and I have felt this way MANY times before. I know God will pull me from this...but this time I want to learn. This time I don't want to be consumed by society, I want to consume society with my love for God and people. When I go out with my friends from high school, I know for a fact God is weeping. I don't ever want to think about the fact that God is weeping...Jesus suffered so much so that I would have forgiveness and all I can do is take advantage. All I can think of is that day when Jesus died...the pain, the agony, the torment he went through...and I basically laugh in his face. I know I'm just learning but man, I feel stupid. I do feel so much better that I've written this and talked to Christy....I am so glad God is in my life. I'm never hurt, I just forget who I live for. I've brought myself to a very low place, and only God can save me...it's true. I could never save me. I could never forget the things I do, or the pain I've been through. Only God can rescue me from this torture.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. PSALM 130:1-6

sooo bored at work; there's nothing for me to do. I would love to leave work early, go home, put my bathing suit on and sleep while laying out. That sounds perfect.

Almost finished applying to PBA just need my reccomendation's in. Haven't gotten a call about the RD job yet...but that's okay.

break my heart, for what breaks yours.

My heart is at a all time breaking point. I watched invisible children last night for the second time in a few years. All I can think about is the little boy, Jacob, sobbing because he lost his older brother to the LRA. I keep thinking to myself--how many times have I been crying over something that was "detrimental" to me. Watching that small boy cry because he's afraid that he may get abducted and killed; fearing for his life almost 24/7. Makes me fall to my knees, heartbroken. There's nothing I can do besides, pray and have faith. My problems feel so insignificant compared to Jacob's. That is his life, constantly living in fear, wondering when he will get his next meal, and all the other stuff living in a 3rd world country comes with. Most things are expendable to me, 9 out of 10 times I have the things I want...and I eat like nobody's business. You think as a country that owns 15% of the wealth would do something. Maybe even try harder to end the war in Africa. I know it's been years since that movie was released but it's STILL going on...it's now officially been 24 years. We as Americans have more freedom than any other country in the world and we can't even get involved in that war because they haven't done anything to us. We don't want to get involved because it's not in our hands. But we can go over to the middle east thinking we are going to create democracy? I don't see how any of this makes sense... I am so broken. Not because anything bad is happening to me but because I am just one person who wants to create peace within billions of people. I pray that this world opens their eyes--whether or not they believe--but opens their eyes to peace. This world does not have to be this way. God never intended for this to happen. We are all human beings but we have free will and we can change the way we treat people, and the way we handle situations. The situations going on in my life are petty. I feel ashamed for worrying. I trust that God is going to take care of me--I want to trust even more that God will provide more and more peace to developing countries. I am so blessed, so why do I worry about the things I don't have. I know that I am always going to be taken care of. I am broken for them, my eyes see the hurt that is going on around me. People are lost all over, and I'm worried about me? I hear that cry of Jacob, and my heart just breaks a little more. I just want healing in the world. I just want to see love. I know that because of the fall of man, the world is going to be a bad place...but I believe that we can change it...I believe that it doesn't have to be this way. I hate excuses, I hate that we blame the fall of man. We still have FREE-WILL! We still have the power to stop these things. Especially when we have the resources. I'm done for now.

I exist because you exist.

it's all coming back to me now

Passion. for. life.

My heart is taking some deep turns; good. As a dramatic, I never thought I would feel again what I felt for the last year and a half prior to my "downfall". The heartache of losing someone I thought I loved--and moving back home where home was not the word I would call it (more like vacation central). I thought I had become immune to the life I had picked back up (never to see the light of day again). I also thought that if I could maybe experience a breathe of fresh air I would just turn around and things would be okay again. My wounds are not fully healed; but I can feel them closing. I won't say that I will not experience pain again, because that would be a lie. I do want to say that because I keep scraping my knees...I will be a little stronger for the next time. Time is changing, it surely is. I never know what to expect and that makes life so exciting for me. I don't like knowing what the next move will be, to me life is that much more exciting when I have no idea what to expect.

(sighs)

until next time. peace.

30 hour famine--on my mind

For 30 hours on May 7th-8th I will be fasting. The idea of the fasting is to get a very small feel as to what it is like to go hungry--but MOST IMPORTANTLY, raise money to feed hungry children. The idea of the 30 hour famine is to take 30 measily hours away from eating (something we do TOO much of) and raise money so that someone who never eats can be fed. The 30 hour famine is a international youth movement to fight hunger. Not only will it feed hungry children, but it will bring my group of youth and the numerous leaders together as a close community. The greatest thing I have learned about people who are in the same situation together...tend to act out as more of a community. "I exist because you exist"...we survive together, without community we wouldn't survive.

Today 25,000 kids will die due to hunger related causes...that's one child every 3 seconds :(

The goal is to get 12 sponsors to give me $30.00 or more--with that $360.00, we can feed a child for a whole year! I'd like my goal to be double ($720), but I think I'll start at $360. This isn't some event that i'm attending just to say I attended. I do hold this close to my heart because I do believe we can change lives. Last year in the U.S. alone, groups raised around $12 million--which is enough to feed 30,000 children for a whole year. I hope that not only you pray for this event to be successful--you think about even sponsoring. This is HUGE! :)

just a little food for thought...

"love your neighbor" -Jesus

job

I applied for a job at Palm Beach Atlantic University as a Resident Director. I am praying that it is in God's will for me. I want this to be powered by prayer--so I need all the prayer I can get for this. I think this job would be a perfect transitioner for my life, not only that but it will be something I've been wanting to do for a while. I'm studying counseling, and what would be more perfect than developing relationships with a boatload of college students. I'm not going to say anything else about it besides just pray. Like I said, I want this to be solely a God thing...I don't want this because of my selfish desires...I want it if God wants me to have it. If it's not in His will then it won't happen. I don't want to be taken over by evil thoughts; God is in control. I trust in Him fully.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

apparently

this was going to be a blog about my heartache, and after I wrote it all..decided it wasn't worth publishing. I'm tired of depressing heartache blogs. God, I need You and that is all I can really say. I won't go to this blog...I'll just ask You.


I am hungry. I am thirsty. For more of You. I need BEAUTIFUL you.