1.21 Gigowatts!!!!!

One day, I am going to write a book.... and I can't wait....who knows when, where, and what about. I just have a deep urge to share my life and how God has the ability to change people through tragedy and experience. There is a deep truth to life, and no one knows exactly what it is but for me, my God has the power to change. We have the power to except and deny. We have the knowledge to turn away and to move forward--we are able to tell our brains that something is right or wrong and we can choose. We are all living in a fearful world, filled with destruction and chaos...why not do it together? Why not love as if our lives are ending tomorrow? If you could say one thing to God what would it be? If you could tell someone something you never had the guts to say, would you say it? and why not if you could? Why do we decide not to say the things we desire in our hearts to say it at that one moment? Why do we regret not saying it? Why is it that I am fearful of rejection because of one man? What is it that can turn me away from that? Honesty is a big factor in our relationships with people, yet we can't say how we really feel out of fear we will hurt someone. Why is that people think that it's better to deceive than just say the truth about how we feel? Why is it so hard to be honest? .... just a few blah thoughts no big deal.

This is what blogging is for right?

one thing in common.

Patience. Something that I have asked for again and again. The idea that life will get better, and that the only way I'll get through it is patience. I have had a few lightbulb moments about this during the past few weeks. I've realized that I'm asking God for patience in almost every moment, but I'm not seeking Him. I'm asking Him to take away pain but I'm not spending time with Him. I get so caught up in asking Him to help me, that I forget to spend time with God in prayer and meditating on His word.

Another lightbulb moment I have had is about this whole boyfriend/husband situation. I've realized that I am unable to rely fully on God, and the expectations I have for a marriage and my relationships is going to need total reliance on God. If I go into a relationship without the knowledge of full reliance on Christ how am I going to have a relationship where I am not leaning on my significant other for everything I need and want. I want to be so in touch with God that I am not able to see the fact that my future husband stands before me. I have had many guys tell me how beautiful I am, or how I am the one that they are going to marry...and for some reason the thought of a man I barely know telling me I'm going to be his wife frightens me. You don't know me, you don't my flaws, my niches, my passions, and all those other things. Is it necessary to know these things before you marry me? CERTAINLY. I want my relationships to be passionate and God driven. Not driven by looks and sex... there is nothing deep about that. Having sex with someone you don't love is shallow and unappealing... lasts for a moment but you're still alone. I have terrible truths but I also have a deep passion for my life and the relationships I have in it. I just want to make sure that I am relying on the good before I get into a serious relationship with someone. I don't want to be dependent on a man, I want to be dependent on God and then my relationship. I want it to be GOD and US. I want that to be the same for my future husband as well, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone that doesn't at least have that one thing in common with me.

"I want to yearn for You, I want to burn with passion over you and only you"

romeo, romeo...where for art thou?

I'm 23. I am not on the brink of old age, in fact I'm just two years past the drinking age and two years near the age that I can rent a car. People keep telling me that it's societies fault that I feel like I need to get married. I say that it's just me. Society schmoscmiety. I want to get married. I want to meet the man of my dreams, and settle down. I have a dream of marrying a man that will not only be there for me through the fat and the skinny BUT I dream that he will be my best friend. I want my relationship with my husband to be the exact yearning I long for in Christ, except my husband will long for that just as much. My relationship with God is number one. I want to know that I will have accountability in my husband. I want to experience Christ-centered love in my relationship, is that too much to ask? I don't think so at all because I've seen it.

Here is where things get crazy.

I want these things now. I'm praying for patience and asking for it everyday. Maybe that's my downfall. Instead of working on growing with the Lord, I'm asking Him for patience in my life--my job, my relationships, where I live, and everything else. I have been focusing so much on patience that I am not giving God any space to work in my life. GO FIGURE! I had a revelation this past week. The revelation is, that I need to depend totally on God before I can expect any man to come into my life. I want to have so much dependance on God that when my future husband comes along, I'll be ready. I won't need to depend SO much on Him and that will give us the strength to have a Christ-centered relationship because we won't need to depend on each other as much, but both be dependant on God. deeeeeeeep breath and ouuuuut... Sometimes writing is a confusing task, because I have all of these things I'm thinking and it's going 1000 times a minute in my head...so what comes out on paper, isn't usually exactly what I want. BUT that's ok. I'm just glad that I got something out of this... He never shows us the whole tapestry, but sometimes we get a small glimpse. I can be so naive and selfish sometimes...it's upsetting lol.

until next time. peace.

Contemplation

I am going to start new things. I want to see broadway musicals, I want to experience art in West Palm Beach, I want to do things that people don't usually do on the weekends. I might as well do something, if I'm going to be living here for a while. I enjoy picnics, sunshine, and music. I want to start doing photography because I love to capture the essence of a loveable, memorable moment. I couldn't imagine my life being this bland anymore. I live my life as a snail; it's a very slow process--yet the days go so fast. I had a wonderful time in Indiana, it was so good to see my greatest friends again. I want to experience life. I don't want to keep sitting here complaining about how dull my life is. I know that life does not have to be this way. If I enjoy my church and my school, why couldn't I enjoy everything else...just because at this time in my life my job stinks. I come here 8 hours a day, 4 days of the week. It's not that bad. I have an idea of what I want my life to look like, and I keep going back to that. I guess I need to take my eyes off of that and focus on what is going on right now. I got to go back to the place I love the most, and I kept thinking "I want to move to Indy"..."how can I move back to Indy and still have the same great things that I have in Florida?" Why is it so hard for me to except that I live in Florida now? I am doing great things here, yet I can't fully see it. Contemplating...

exclamation point

So here I am, once again...sitting in a cubicle in which all of my "work" takes place. Patience is a virtue, yet I can't seem to gather around the fact that I have to work at this god forsaken place for probably another two years. It seems as if I'm stuck in a plastic bubble where I am content, but not fully expressing myself so it makes me feel stuck. Does that make me really content though? Of course I can minister to my fellow employees but will I ? Probably not. This job pays the bills, it gives me something to do during the day rather than soaking my brain with childish cartoons (which is exactly what I would do). I mean, don't get me wrong...I have so much joy in my life...it's the job that kills me. I couldn't even imagine doing this for the rest of my life. I'd rather get paid no money than have to be secluded inside of a building all day without even a breath of excitement in the air. The only time I'm excited is when I forget something in my car and realize I need to go out and get it. This is what my 8 hour days at work consist of, absolutely nothing. I am so thankful for this job during such a horrendous economical time. I just continue to pray for patience because I know I need rejuvenation everyday when I come here Monday-Thursday from 7:30-3:30. deeeep sigh.

On the flip side. I am leaving for Indiana in about 5 hours and I cannot be more excited about this! Another thing to be happy about is, my peers at Palm Beach Atlantic...I haven't really found my niche so to speak but I think finding a niche at this point in my life isn't going to happen. I do know that my niche is at Church in the Gardens... I love the people at my church and I am so joyful to have that in my life.

Oh and another thing I'd really like to meet my husband, RIGHT NOW! :) ahaha....but seriously..... Maybe not now, but it would be awesome if he was in my life.

I just need the patience seriously raining down on me. I love to rush into life!!! But who's to say that I'm not aloud to want a passionate life? I just need to calm down and think about being a little more simplistic, cut some stuff out and enjoy life instead of life enjoying me. I am obsessed with doing things, I need to be around people...I guess I just want to feel God in my life and it helps if I'm doing a million things that involve God. I love God...God is the cheese to my macaroni, without cheese it's just noodles and they are bland and taste bad. Without God my life has tastes bad and there's nothing good about it...filled with a whole lot of nothingness.

Praying for people, still. I would go into more detail about it but let's just say God has put on my heart to pray for this world. I'm not trying to save the world but wouldn't it be awesome if we all just reacted a little differently in some situations. Smile more!!! Hug people!!! give someone a stinking high five!!! Not to be a love crazed person but seriously...instead of reacting like a normal human being maybe we can take a deep breath and realize that we are all here together going through crap, no one is alone or has to be.

random.

noodles? don't noodles? Quit? Don't quit?

Giving up is such an easy concept. To give up means to lose hope, to stop striving for a goal because it may become too much. In my instance, I don't really have a goal. I have a friend, who I have grown to care a lot about in the past few weeks. He's a non-believer and we have had nothing but great conversations about our differences in beliefs. He was born into the catholic church, when he went to college he wrote a paper and everything changed. He began to question pretty much everything and suddenly he went from believer to agnostic which quickly turned into athiesm. I have never really spoken to an athiest, because I've never really put myself out there enough to have a chance. The idea of controlling a situation comes to mind here. I should know that I can't control his mind and the way he thinks, I should know that God is using me for big reasons...but even greater it's not my job to fix people just to "plant seeds" so to speak. I recently began having doubts that I could even have these conversations without feeling like an ass. I am beginning to take matters into my own hands, and I'm trying to find the words to say that will make him change his mind. He is so deep into these non-beliefs that it would be like pulling a sword out of a rock. I have never been one to force my beliefs on anyone, and I don't think I am doing this here...I feel as if I might be getting into it too deep. Not letting God have any room to work. I fully believe that my friend can have a change of heart. It may take a very long time, but that's okay--i've got plenty. All I can really do is pray here, and seek God for His words. I thought about giving up on it for a second, but then realized what will that do in the end? I would be in the same place. I know this situation wasn't placed in front of me just so I can shrug it off like a dirt speck. Big, big things are coming...

decisions...decisions...

As opposed to my last post, this post will be a little bit more positive. I chose to pursue a Master's degree in School Counseling at Palm Beach Atlantic Universiy. I have put in my notice at American Eagle, which my last day will be August 20 (because I'm heading up to Indy for a week and some change) before classes start. It only took me a few months to have all of this figured out. I prayed for so long to have peace, and just kept reading out of proverbs to seek wisdom--great place to find it btw. So worried about what decision would be pleasing that I didn't realize that either one would be pleasing to God--just for the fact that I was seeking God in either situation. I finally felt more comfortable with one decision more than the other and took that leap. After I made the decision final, I had an overload of peace in my heart. I know that I have needed to relearn patience in the past few months; especially with where my life is going. My life hasn't seen much of any kind of change for a little bit (besides my job) so of course it only makes sense that my little sister leaves for college, my parents move to Port St. Lucie, and I start grad school all at once... So now instead of patience I'll need strength!!! LOL