a simple act of love

What do you think human services is?

The question I had in my class today was, "Is human services practical or theoretical?"

Human services is an act. There will always be theories and ideas but what you do with those theories and ideas is what human services is-what you do with the gifts of love is what human services is. Human services is an act of love, help, and community. It's the hug you give a friend after their parents just divorced; it's the act of going out into the streets of Haiti or even your own local community and serving other. There are always going to be individuals with issues and struggles, and there are always going to be many communities of people to serve one another. I am just about on the egde of my seat here just thinking about how important human services is. You don't have to get a master's degree to serve, you don't have to do anything but love. It's not always about figuring things out, its about that small action of love that impacts a persons life to possibly better it. I want to be a counselor/mentor because it is my act of love to people. God has given me a gift of openness and a heart full of love for His people...I am just so excited!

God is so good, all the time.

"We know, dear brothers and sisters, that God loves you and has chosen you to be His own people." 1 Thessalonians 1:4

life as I know it

2010 has arrived; I have officially lived through 2 decades. Since my last post, I have felt so many emotions--I have asked God for peace this year. I know that I cannot control my fate, and I cannot control what happens in my relationships. Yes, things got a little rocky but right now...I feel as if I could float on a cloud. I am so happy....and that's how I will end this. Until next time...God is good.

realizing my pains

I have dug myself the biggest whole I've ever seen. I am digging deeper and deeper and all I see is hurt and struggle. Because of my own insecurites, and my own mistakes...I have nothing but sadness in my heart. I get myself involved in the same situations, and make myself feel worse and worse about myself...just to feel okay for a second. I have been involved with the same guy for four years, who I have never been in a relationship with. I let guys take advantage of me for the sake of having their attention, and for the sake of my securities. I hate being single, but only because I think having a guy will make my life better. For example, if "what's his name" and I finally dated...my life would be complete and everything would be solved...I hate that I think that way, because its not TRUE! I ran away from my problems after high school, and now I have to deal with them. After you leave college, I sware problems get worse. God is the greatest thing that has happened to me, but satan has a hold of me...and is reminding me of all my past hurts to bring me down. I swore that I had everything figured out by now (EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT EVER!), and that I had forgiven all the people that hurt me and CONTINUE to hurt me. I am still so bitter about this situation with "whats his name." I'm angry that everytime things go right, he runs away...he stops talking to me...finds something/someone better. I am tired of getting the crap end of the stick, when I treat people so well. I hate being selfish, and that's all I feel lately. I have nothing but negativity towards my life...I have nothing but bitterness in my soul. I want God in my life, I want Him SOOOOO bad. I hate feeling so sorry for myself all the time, I hate being so sad all of the time. I hate thinking that I don't deserve the best because of the things I have done, the mistakes I have made. I hate feeling like nothing I ever do will make me feel better....I hate thinking that I'm in control all of the time! There is nothing I want more than to feel content, I feel like right now all I want to do is runaway...thinking that if I move somewhere else all my problems will be solved. I am SO thankful for my life, I am happy that I have my family and the people I have to keep me straight with my decisions. I just want all of this to go away. God please take it away. I thank God for this moment, because I know that this eventually will be a strong moment for me. I thank God that I am learning all of this about me now, instead of later...no matter where I would have gone, or how long...eventually I would run into the hole of hurt and denial I have dug for myself. Thank you God for this moment.

in the midst

I'm always frustrated with my life, my job, my school, my family. Why must I be so bitter? I know God wants me to be here to learn a lesson...To live my life the way He wants me to, in the midst of all the challenge. He never gives us something we cannot handle, if He knows that I can handle this...then I am trusting that when this is over, things will be okay. Leaving Anderson was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I didn't realize it until I was finally gone. I never thought I'd be the one to say that I miss Anderson University. I was reminded by another friends blog that having a mentor is so important. I have been trying my stinking hardest to find someone I can talk to who is older, and more experienced that I can share my life stories and situations with. I know that I can't do this on my own, and i've been trying for the past few months to live on my own without God. He's still there, I just haven't paid enough attention to Him. I miss it, I miss the life I had in Anderson. I miss the friends, the family, etc. It was almost too easy. After college comes nothing but more confusion and frustrations. I feel like I did my freshman year when I didn't know what I wanted to do, except now I know what I want to do. I'm currently working on my master's in counseling, and trying to transfer to either PBA in Florida or Lenoir-Rhyne in North Carolina. Although I may have my selfish desires, I want to do what God wants me to do. I have for the past 3 years based my decisions solely around God, I want my life to mirror Jesus. I want to love people, and help people...these are my desires. I just need to keep reminding myself of who and why I live. I need prayer, satan has done nothing but bring me down....but I need to remain STRONG.

boomerang

There is a termanology to explain the constant need to go back to one specific person...heard it from a high schooler...they call it a boomerang. Once you get so comfortable with someone, and have been through a number of certain events and situations with that person its almost impossible to go back. I have seen so many relationships that have gone sour after a very long time and it's very sad. But I also must say that I have seen many people who have suffered with heartache for so long, get back on their feet. I myself have suffered, but have come out of it. Now, I am at a point where I need to detach myself. I read something today that made me sick to my stomach. A self-realization with the help of a kind man named Terelle that I am in fact, co-dependant. What do you do with yourself when you realize that you are co-dependant? I read a line, it said "In fear of rejection, I am careful with what I say and do"...this along with a number of other things that say I am co-dependant. I wish I could say that I wasn't completely attached to this person. I know that I have feelings for him, but it's almost like I have feelings totally based on comfort...and the fact that I do know we have a very long past. I don't want to restart a relationship with someone, I dont want to give my heart to anyone else...I have already been put through so much. I don't want to have to re-get to know someone. I'm afraid, I don't like when I feel sad...I'm a very happy person. God has continuously brought me through my pain and my suffering. I know for a fact that I will get through this too...I need to have faith that he will bring me through this. The change I have gone through in the past 4 years in immeasurable. I have been changed...yet not all circumstances have been completely changed, I know that God has changed me for a reason and that this relationship was brought back to me for a reason....This may be the last time I go through this with this certain someone. Whether it be a good or a bad. One day at a time...

searching

Where is the nearest hobby lobby? I need new interests!

I need to put my heart out there and go for things...When people ask me what I like to do...I want to give them a solid answer. Look out world, I'm searching for a hobby. Lame I know, but it needs to happen.

So far this I know is true: riding my bike anywhere and everywhere. Taking pictures of anything and everything (one day i'll create a picture book filled with stories of my life). Writing about my life and where I am in it. TRAVELLING, when I get a chance. Singing! I love doing new things! I get bored with things that I have done for so long, so I either need to change it up a bit or get new hobbies...which is what I'm on my way to doing!! :)

is it really worth it?

I need help. I need someone to talk to that I don't know. Someone older and wiser that can listen to me and give me advice. How can I even think for a second that I can be in counseling we I need counseling myself. No, let me rephrase that...my whole family needs counseling and everyone is too stubborn to admit it for even a second. I know that I cannot do this on my own, and yet I continue to make it that way. It's so weird being back home and no one even gets it. I'm trying to make it work...I'm happy here...I love home, I just wish everyone else was happy. I'm tired of feeling like I am trapped here, I want to feel welcome and I want to feel like I can come home and not feel SO stressed that my brain might pop. I have a lot to accomplish in the next year, beginning with starting my masters. The summer is almost over..... and then what?

I need strength and MORE guidance.