Sometimes I feel like I'm aloud to be a little pissed off about how things work with men. I'm tired of feelings and emotions. To be honest, I'm tired of feeling anything for anyone. It sucks when you think your making a good decision by putting some of yourself out there, just to realize that it's all just a game. It's funny because this always happen: I meet a guy, they say things like "I'm so glad I met you, and I'd rather spend time with you then be alone anyday." It's all a bunch of CRAP. No one means it. They mean it for a second then forget they ever said it, SO why say it? I'm tired of being a pawn. I'm tired of being single for the sole reason that this game is bullshit. I have good qualities and I care about people a lot. When I have relationships with people I don't do it halfass--which is why 9 times out of 10 I get hurt. I really do want people to know that I care about them in a genuine way. It sucks that I get hurt but I am a lover, and I cannot help it. I know everything happens for a reason and what not but I'm a little exhausted.
One day the game will be over...
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
new hobby :-)
I learned how to draw Roses....
and best of all, I learned how to draw tulips today
I'm going to paint a canvas soon.
Love, ME
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
...
Goodbye, I should be saying that to you by now...shouldn't I?
It's been over a year now... Since we last had a "consistent" talk. I could be wrong but I feel like we're both hanging on to something or else we would have been completely through by now? Now that I rethink it, I'm probably wrong. A very complicated but not so much relationship friendship for 5 years... on and off. Not sure what outweighs what, the on or the off. I was always trying to figure everything out with us and It made me tired. I let it go for a really long time, and now all of the sudden I can't seem to shake it. I guess it doesn't help that we have exchanged a few words over technology. Does this really have to go on until we either realize it is or isn't something. I assumed we realized it isn't, why else would we completely avoid each other for over a year. Fear?
I had a dream a few nights ago. You were there, and it was a similar setting to one i've seen before, but a very new conversation. It was a while since we had last seen each other and well we ran into each other. To make a short dream that seemed long, SHORT. You asked me what I had been up to, I told you... and you said, "I miss knowing what's going on with you. I miss having you in my life." I blankly stared at you in this dream... it was like it was real to the degree of thinking it actually happened. Then you said, "I want you in my life, I'm just not sure how I want you in my life."
I woke up really upset. You didn't really say those things to me, I don't even know if you think those things. I of course miss you, you have always been what seems to be a big part of my life. I don't want to try and figure out this dream because, it's a dream. Maybe it's something in the back of my mind that I've wanted you to say, but I've made it a point not to think about. I'm really good at doing that. It's almost a job that I pick up when we stop talking. Of course I was upset that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to at that point in our lives. A whole year has gone by though, and a lot has changed since we were last consistent with conversation. There's a lot we don't know about each other now, and yet I am holding on so contagiously.
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Lord,
Give me strength. Help me understand why. I haven't prayed for this in a long time, mainly because I gave up (which is not what you call us to do). Sometimes praying for something over and over again is what it takes for something to happen. Thank you for changing my life, and thank you for always showing me what's important... which is my realtionship with You. I cannot do this alone. I want to move forward, but there is still a yearning for this thing in my life. Please help me give up trying to control the issue, and allow You to take over. If this is something that you want in my life, You will make it happen. I don't want to be in control anymore. Give me different words if I am praying for the wrong thing. I want Your will in my life. Even though it pains me to let it go, if that's what You want for me God I will do it only because I know you will provide me the strength and eventually somewhat of an answer. If you want it, You will make it happen in Your timing, when we are most ready for it. As much as I want to get married, you know when I will be ready... You will know when my future husband will be ready. I long for a love I have with you to be joined with a man who feels the same way. Only your love entertwined within a marriage can keep it alive. I'm tired of asking questions, I just want You to take control. When we are good and ready, it will happen. Thank You for always giving me peace Lord when I need it most. Lord, soften my heart for You and my relationships. I want to be flexible to Your plan... I do not want to settle for anything less than what You have for me. I love You and I will continue to keep praying that Your light be shined throughout my life and also within the relationships that I have. I know words do not do justice because you are All-mighty and I am small. You have the ability to control my life without me asking--You have the ability to take control when I am resisting. I have realized how insignificant I make you feel in my life. I experience that same feeling so I should show more gratitude towards You. Maybe I will start to feel less insignificant, once I start making you feel less insignificant. You are what shapes me and makes me who I am. You take me for who I am, always... even when I am at my lowest point. You never make me feel insignificant, and yet I let people make me feel this way all of the time. Thank You for always believing in me, even when I forget that You are the all-powerful creator. Thank You for taking me under Your wing when I am lonely, and trying to do things on my own. You continue to bring genuine people in my life to show me that there are people who really follow You and have real convictions and recognize them. Thank You for these people. Thank You for teaching me how to love when I feel like nobody loves me. I know that you never stop loving me and accepting me--and humans fail. I realize that humans fail, but I will continue to love them just like You continue to love me.
Amen.
It's been over a year now... Since we last had a "consistent" talk. I could be wrong but I feel like we're both hanging on to something or else we would have been completely through by now? Now that I rethink it, I'm probably wrong. A very complicated but not so much relationship friendship for 5 years... on and off. Not sure what outweighs what, the on or the off. I was always trying to figure everything out with us and It made me tired. I let it go for a really long time, and now all of the sudden I can't seem to shake it. I guess it doesn't help that we have exchanged a few words over technology. Does this really have to go on until we either realize it is or isn't something. I assumed we realized it isn't, why else would we completely avoid each other for over a year. Fear?
I had a dream a few nights ago. You were there, and it was a similar setting to one i've seen before, but a very new conversation. It was a while since we had last seen each other and well we ran into each other. To make a short dream that seemed long, SHORT. You asked me what I had been up to, I told you... and you said, "I miss knowing what's going on with you. I miss having you in my life." I blankly stared at you in this dream... it was like it was real to the degree of thinking it actually happened. Then you said, "I want you in my life, I'm just not sure how I want you in my life."
I woke up really upset. You didn't really say those things to me, I don't even know if you think those things. I of course miss you, you have always been what seems to be a big part of my life. I don't want to try and figure out this dream because, it's a dream. Maybe it's something in the back of my mind that I've wanted you to say, but I've made it a point not to think about. I'm really good at doing that. It's almost a job that I pick up when we stop talking. Of course I was upset that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to at that point in our lives. A whole year has gone by though, and a lot has changed since we were last consistent with conversation. There's a lot we don't know about each other now, and yet I am holding on so contagiously.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lord,
Give me strength. Help me understand why. I haven't prayed for this in a long time, mainly because I gave up (which is not what you call us to do). Sometimes praying for something over and over again is what it takes for something to happen. Thank you for changing my life, and thank you for always showing me what's important... which is my realtionship with You. I cannot do this alone. I want to move forward, but there is still a yearning for this thing in my life. Please help me give up trying to control the issue, and allow You to take over. If this is something that you want in my life, You will make it happen. I don't want to be in control anymore. Give me different words if I am praying for the wrong thing. I want Your will in my life. Even though it pains me to let it go, if that's what You want for me God I will do it only because I know you will provide me the strength and eventually somewhat of an answer. If you want it, You will make it happen in Your timing, when we are most ready for it. As much as I want to get married, you know when I will be ready... You will know when my future husband will be ready. I long for a love I have with you to be joined with a man who feels the same way. Only your love entertwined within a marriage can keep it alive. I'm tired of asking questions, I just want You to take control. When we are good and ready, it will happen. Thank You for always giving me peace Lord when I need it most. Lord, soften my heart for You and my relationships. I want to be flexible to Your plan... I do not want to settle for anything less than what You have for me. I love You and I will continue to keep praying that Your light be shined throughout my life and also within the relationships that I have. I know words do not do justice because you are All-mighty and I am small. You have the ability to control my life without me asking--You have the ability to take control when I am resisting. I have realized how insignificant I make you feel in my life. I experience that same feeling so I should show more gratitude towards You. Maybe I will start to feel less insignificant, once I start making you feel less insignificant. You are what shapes me and makes me who I am. You take me for who I am, always... even when I am at my lowest point. You never make me feel insignificant, and yet I let people make me feel this way all of the time. Thank You for always believing in me, even when I forget that You are the all-powerful creator. Thank You for taking me under Your wing when I am lonely, and trying to do things on my own. You continue to bring genuine people in my life to show me that there are people who really follow You and have real convictions and recognize them. Thank You for these people. Thank You for teaching me how to love when I feel like nobody loves me. I know that you never stop loving me and accepting me--and humans fail. I realize that humans fail, but I will continue to love them just like You continue to love me.
Amen.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Grand Paradise Samana – Samana – Grand Paradise Samana Resort
Grand Paradise Samana – Samana – Grand Paradise Samana Resort
Dead serious want to go to the Dominican in March to see humpback whales (the season ends march). I have a passport and need someone else with a passport AND money to come with me! :)
Dead serious want to go to the Dominican in March to see humpback whales (the season ends march). I have a passport and need someone else with a passport AND money to come with me! :)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
so...
I have a feeling that I'm going to have to make some hefty decisions this upcoming season in my life. I'm stepping out of one situtation and attending to a new situation. I will just say that I'm excited to continue on to this next step. Whatever it may, I will surely be ready. Whether it be happy or sad... I will continue to keep my eyes on the prize.
Monday, December 27, 2010
A glimpse of His tapestry...
A New Year means a new or continuation of a resolution, so we all get on our scales and say we want to lose 30 lbs, or that we want to find a new hobby. Every year our resolutions stay the same, without a thought of looking back because we are dawning on a New Year so who cares. Every year I often find myself looking back at the year and remembering all the moments of heartache, challenge, and overcoming of obstacles. I found myself in dark places, places where one says they would never find themselves. I made a disappointment out of myself and God. I found myself unable to forgive others but even after God gave me the strength to do that, I found myself unable to forgive myself. This year I experienced real loneliness, but soon realized that God was doing it so that I was able to experience myself and Him with everything in me. I experienced the depths of my heart and the capability my heart, mind, and flesh has to sin. I took the blanket of protection off and stepped into the world. I came to a crossroads and was unable to make decisions about my life and who I was and wanted to be. This time last year, I thought I lost something that I could never imagine not having and now I couldn’t imagine my life with it. I once envisioned a dark hole where I was placed looking up at the light and always seeing it but never attempting to climb out due to self-pity. I always caught myself saying, “I could never experience that light again, I do not deserve it.” I was finding my worth in the world and telling others to find their worth in God. I was shown that through my suffering God can use me, even someone who has experienced the darkness of her heart. It is through my mistakes that I am able to reach out to others who may have experienced the same. I learned that what I did does not make me who I am. I was told that I was forgiven the moment I asked for it, and meant it. It took only the will power of God to forgive myself, because in my head I had a constant reminder that I was no good. I made the decision to attend Palm Beach Atlantic University to further my education in Counseling Psych. I lead a group of high school girls at Church in the Gardens and they have just continued to show me over and over who God is. I continue to struggle on a daily basis, but the Lord has pulled me out a great deal. I see the light and I want it more and more everyday. I have spent a great deal of this year with one foot in the world and one foot in the light and that is not at all what God has called me to do. I have learned so much about myself, and what I am capable of whether it is good or bad. Even though at one point I was covered in shame and felt like I had been defeated. I look back and just smile with Joy because God has changed me in a way that I cannot describe with words. I am thankful for the bad because it only brings me good. God has just shown me this year that He is the one and only truth and consistency in my life. I have met numerous people to show me certain things about God that I wouldn’t have known without them. I’m learning knew things on a daily basis and soaking it in. I would never want to miss out on a learning opportunity. During the end of this year, it all came together. I have experienced God’s peace like I never thought I would. I can finally say that where I was in not where I am now. The things I once felt are no more and God reminds me every day how much He loves me and that nothing I do will shake the way He feels about me. I am washed white as snow, it is well, it is well with my soul….
I don’t want to set a high expectation for this year, but I do want to continue living my life. I do not want to be worried about tomorrow because today is enough to think about. I will continue living to love the people around me, and putting effort into all of my relationships to only make them better. I just want to carry on from this year, and just continue living my life. There are no reset buttons when you get into the New Year, all you can do is just keep living, learning, and loving.
“One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.
~ Jack Penn
“Never become so much of an expert that you stop gaining expertise. View life as a continuous learning experience."
~ Denis Waitley
I don’t want to set a high expectation for this year, but I do want to continue living my life. I do not want to be worried about tomorrow because today is enough to think about. I will continue living to love the people around me, and putting effort into all of my relationships to only make them better. I just want to carry on from this year, and just continue living my life. There are no reset buttons when you get into the New Year, all you can do is just keep living, learning, and loving.
“One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.
~ Jack Penn
“Never become so much of an expert that you stop gaining expertise. View life as a continuous learning experience."
~ Denis Waitley
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Peace like a river...
I am so thankful for God's peace in my life. It's amazing how I can just realize that God has given me the exact peace I have been praying for. Holy moly...something that can bother me so much for such a long time and to look around one day and realize that God has taken that burden... there are no words. I am just so thankful that I have the wisdom to understand that it is only God taking those burdens and not me or anyone or anything else. I have been so awestruck lately by the way God works in our lives. He has finally made His way into my heart...finally. He has told me and made it apparent in my life that patience is a fine virtue and that things will happen in His timing. It's not forced, it's not being pushed in the back of my head but finally I know that certain things will happen when He knows that I am good and ready. I love this year... SO many things to be thankful for. Nothing like going from feeling downright hopeless to having an overflowing amount of hope... yes!
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