Heather Amaris

entitlement?

2011-02-25T05:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm aloud to be a little pissed off about how things work with men. I'm tired of feelings and emotions. To be honest, I'm tired of feeling anything for anyone. It sucks when you think your making a good decision by putting some of yourself out there, just to realize that it's all just a game. It's funny because this always happen: I meet a guy, they say things like "I'm so glad I met you, and I'd rather spend time with you then be alone anyday." It's all a bunch of CRAP. No one means it. They mean it for a second then forget they ever said it, SO why say it? I'm tired of being a pawn. I'm tired of being single for the sole reason that this game is bullshit. I have good qualities and I care about people a lot. When I have relationships with people I don't do it halfass--which is why 9 times out of 10 I get hurt. I really do want people to know that I care about them in a genuine way. It sucks that I get hurt but I am a lover, and I cannot help it. I know everything happens for a reason and what not but I'm a little exhausted.

One day the game will be over...

new hobby :-)

2011-01-28T12:17:00.000-08:00

I learned how to draw Roses....

and best of all, I learned how to draw tulips today

I'm going to paint a canvas soon.
Love, ME

...

2011-01-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

Goodbye, I should be saying that to you by now...shouldn't I?

It's been over a year now... Since we last had a "consistent" talk. I could be wrong but I feel like we're both hanging on to something or else we would have been completely through by now? Now that I rethink it, I'm probably wrong. A very complicated but not so much relationship friendship for 5 years... on and off. Not sure what outweighs what, the on or the off. I was always trying to figure everything out with us and It made me tired. I let it go for a really long time, and now all of the sudden I can't seem to shake it. I guess it doesn't help that we have exchanged a few words over technology. Does this really have to go on until we either realize it is or isn't something. I assumed we realized it isn't, why else would we completely avoid each other for over a year. Fear?

I had a dream a few nights ago. You were there, and it was a similar setting to one i've seen before, but a very new conversation. It was a while since we had last seen each other and well we ran into each other. To make a short dream that seemed long, SHORT. You asked me what I had been up to, I told you... and you said, "I miss knowing what's going on with you. I miss having you in my life." I blankly stared at you in this dream... it was like it was real to the degree of thinking it actually happened. Then you said, "I want you in my life, I'm just not sure how I want you in my life."

I woke up really upset. You didn't really say those things to me, I don't even know if you think those things. I of course miss you, you have always been what seems to be a big part of my life. I don't want to try and figure out this dream because, it's a dream. Maybe it's something in the back of my mind that I've wanted you to say, but I've made it a point not to think about. I'm really good at doing that. It's almost a job that I pick up when we stop talking. Of course I was upset that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to at that point in our lives. A whole year has gone by though, and a lot has changed since we were last consistent with conversation. There's a lot we don't know about each other now, and yet I am holding on so contagiously.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lord,
Give me strength. Help me understand why. I haven't prayed for this in a long time, mainly because I gave up (which is not what you call us to do). Sometimes praying for something over and over again is what it takes for something to happen. Thank you for changing my life, and thank you for always showing me what's important... which is my realtionship with You. I cannot do this alone. I want to move forward, but there is still a yearning for this thing in my life. Please help me give up trying to control the issue, and allow You to take over. If this is something that you want in my life, You will make it happen. I don't want to be in control anymore. Give me different words if I am praying for the wrong thing. I want Your will in my life. Even though it pains me to let it go, if that's what You want for me God I will do it only because I know you will provide me the strength and eventually somewhat of an answer. If you want it, You will make it happen in Your timing, when we are most ready for it. As much as I want to get married, you know when I will be ready... You will know when my future husband will be ready. I long for a love I have with you to be joined with a man who feels the same way. Only your love entertwined within a marriage can keep it alive. I'm tired of asking questions, I just want You to take control. When we are good and ready, it will happen. Thank You for always giving me peace Lord when I need it most. Lord, soften my heart for You and my relationships. I want to be flexible to Your plan... I do not want to settle for anything less than what You have for me. I love You and I will continue to keep praying that Your light be shined throughout my life and also within the relationships that I have. I know words do not do justice because you are All-mighty and I am small. You have the ability to control my life without me asking--You have the ability to take control when I am resisting. I have realized how insignificant I make you feel in my life. I experience that same feeling so I should show more gratitude towards You. Maybe I will start to feel less insignificant, once I start making you feel less insignificant. You are what shapes me and makes me who I am. You take me for who I am, always... even when I am at my lowest point. You never make me feel insignificant, and yet I let people make me feel this way all of the time. Thank You for always believing in me, even when I forget that You are the all-powerful creator. Thank You for taking me under Your wing when I am lonely, and trying to do things on my own. You continue to bring genuine people in my life to show me that there are people who really follow You and have real convictions and recognize them. Thank You for these people. Thank You for teaching me how to love when I feel like nobody loves me. I know that you never stop loving me and accepting me--and humans fail. I realize that humans fail, but I will continue to love them just like You continue to love me.
Amen.

Grand Paradise Samana – Samana – Grand Paradise Samana Resort

2011-01-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

Grand Paradise Samana – Samana – Grand Paradise Samana Resort

Dead serious want to go to the Dominican in March to see humpback whales (the season ends march). I have a passport and need someone else with a passport AND money to come with me! :)

so...

2010-12-30T14:41:00.000-08:00

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to make some hefty decisions this upcoming season in my life. I'm stepping out of one situtation and attending to a new situation. I will just say that I'm excited to continue on to this next step. Whatever it may, I will surely be ready. Whether it be happy or sad... I will continue to keep my eyes on the prize.

A glimpse of His tapestry...

2010-12-27T10:49:00.000-08:00

A New Year means a new or continuation of a resolution, so we all get on our scales and say we want to lose 30 lbs, or that we want to find a new hobby. Every year our resolutions stay the same, without a thought of looking back because we are dawning on a New Year so who cares. Every year I often find myself looking back at the year and remembering all the moments of heartache, challenge, and overcoming of obstacles. I found myself in dark places, places where one says they would never find themselves. I made a disappointment out of myself and God. I found myself unable to forgive others but even after God gave me the strength to do that, I found myself unable to forgive myself. This year I experienced real loneliness, but soon realized that God was doing it so that I was able to experience myself and Him with everything in me. I experienced the depths of my heart and the capability my heart, mind, and flesh has to sin. I took the blanket of protection off and stepped into the world. I came to a crossroads and was unable to make decisions about my life and who I was and wanted to be. This time last year, I thought I lost something that I could never imagine not having and now I couldn’t imagine my life with it. I once envisioned a dark hole where I was placed looking up at the light and always seeing it but never attempting to climb out due to self-pity. I always caught myself saying, “I could never experience that light again, I do not deserve it.” I was finding my worth in the world and telling others to find their worth in God. I was shown that through my suffering God can use me, even someone who has experienced the darkness of her heart. It is through my mistakes that I am able to reach out to others who may have experienced the same. I learned that what I did does not make me who I am. I was told that I was forgiven the moment I asked for it, and meant it. It took only the will power of God to forgive myself, because in my head I had a constant reminder that I was no good. I made the decision to attend Palm Beach Atlantic University to further my education in Counseling Psych. I lead a group of high school girls at Church in the Gardens and they have just continued to show me over and over who God is. I continue to struggle on a daily basis, but the Lord has pulled me out a great deal. I see the light and I want it more and more everyday. I have spent a great deal of this year with one foot in the world and one foot in the light and that is not at all what God has called me to do. I have learned so much about myself, and what I am capable of whether it is good or bad. Even though at one point I was covered in shame and felt like I had been defeated. I look back and just smile with Joy because God has changed me in a way that I cannot describe with words. I am thankful for the bad because it only brings me good. God has just shown me this year that He is the one and only truth and consistency in my life. I have met numerous people to show me certain things about God that I wouldn’t have known without them. I’m learning knew things on a daily basis and soaking it in. I would never want to miss out on a learning opportunity. During the end of this year, it all came together. I have experienced God’s peace like I never thought I would. I can finally say that where I was in not where I am now. The things I once felt are no more and God reminds me every day how much He loves me and that nothing I do will shake the way He feels about me. I am washed white as snow, it is well, it is well with my soul….
I don’t want to set a high expectation for this year, but I do want to continue living my life. I do not want to be worried about tomorrow because today is enough to think about. I will continue living to love the people around me, and putting effort into all of my relationships to only make them better. I just want to carry on from this year, and just continue living my life. There are no reset buttons when you get into the New Year, all you can do is just keep living, learning, and loving.

“One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.
~ Jack Penn
“Never become so much of an expert that you stop gaining expertise. View life as a continuous learning experience."
~ Denis Waitley

Peace like a river...

2010-12-22T11:49:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for God's peace in my life. It's amazing how I can just realize that God has given me the exact peace I have been praying for. Holy moly...something that can bother me so much for such a long time and to look around one day and realize that God has taken that burden... there are no words. I am just so thankful that I have the wisdom to understand that it is only God taking those burdens and not me or anyone or anything else. I have been so awestruck lately by the way God works in our lives. He has finally made His way into my heart...finally. He has told me and made it apparent in my life that patience is a fine virtue and that things will happen in His timing. It's not forced, it's not being pushed in the back of my head but finally I know that certain things will happen when He knows that I am good and ready. I love this year... SO many things to be thankful for. Nothing like going from feeling downright hopeless to having an overflowing amount of hope... yes!

1.21 Gigowatts!!!!!

2010-11-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

One day, I am going to write a book.... and I can't wait....who knows when, where, and what about. I just have a deep urge to share my life and how God has the ability to change people through tragedy and experience. There is a deep truth to life, and no one knows exactly what it is but for me, my God has the power to change. We have the power to except and deny. We have the knowledge to turn away and to move forward--we are able to tell our brains that something is right or wrong and we can choose. We are all living in a fearful world, filled with destruction and chaos...why not do it together? Why not love as if our lives are ending tomorrow? If you could say one thing to God what would it be? If you could tell someone something you never had the guts to say, would you say it? and why not if you could? Why do we decide not to say the things we desire in our hearts to say it at that one moment? Why do we regret not saying it? Why is it that I am fearful of rejection because of one man? What is it that can turn me away from that? Honesty is a big factor in our relationships with people, yet we can't say how we really feel out of fear we will hurt someone. Why is that people think that it's better to deceive than just say the truth about how we feel? Why is it so hard to be honest? .... just a few blah thoughts no big deal.

This is what blogging is for right?

one thing in common.

2010-11-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

Patience. Something that I have asked for again and again. The idea that life will get better, and that the only way I'll get through it is patience. I have had a few lightbulb moments about this during the past few weeks. I've realized that I'm asking God for patience in almost every moment, but I'm not seeking Him. I'm asking Him to take away pain but I'm not spending time with Him. I get so caught up in asking Him to help me, that I forget to spend time with God in prayer and meditating on His word.

Another lightbulb moment I have had is about this whole boyfriend/husband situation. I've realized that I am unable to rely fully on God, and the expectations I have for a marriage and my relationships is going to need total reliance on God. If I go into a relationship without the knowledge of full reliance on Christ how am I going to have a relationship where I am not leaning on my significant other for everything I need and want. I want to be so in touch with God that I am not able to see the fact that my future husband stands before me. I have had many guys tell me how beautiful I am, or how I am the one that they are going to marry...and for some reason the thought of a man I barely know telling me I'm going to be his wife frightens me. You don't know me, you don't my flaws, my niches, my passions, and all those other things. Is it necessary to know these things before you marry me? CERTAINLY. I want my relationships to be passionate and God driven. Not driven by looks and sex... there is nothing deep about that. Having sex with someone you don't love is shallow and unappealing... lasts for a moment but you're still alone. I have terrible truths but I also have a deep passion for my life and the relationships I have in it. I just want to make sure that I am relying on the good before I get into a serious relationship with someone. I don't want to be dependent on a man, I want to be dependent on God and then my relationship. I want it to be GOD and US. I want that to be the same for my future husband as well, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone that doesn't at least have that one thing in common with me.

"I want to yearn for You, I want to burn with passion over you and only you"

romeo, romeo...where for art thou?

2010-10-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm 23. I am not on the brink of old age, in fact I'm just two years past the drinking age and two years near the age that I can rent a car. People keep telling me that it's societies fault that I feel like I need to get married. I say that it's just me. Society schmoscmiety. I want to get married. I want to meet the man of my dreams, and settle down. I have a dream of marrying a man that will not only be there for me through the fat and the skinny BUT I dream that he will be my best friend. I want my relationship with my husband to be the exact yearning I long for in Christ, except my husband will long for that just as much. My relationship with God is number one. I want to know that I will have accountability in my husband. I want to experience Christ-centered love in my relationship, is that too much to ask? I don't think so at all because I've seen it.

Here is where things get crazy.

I want these things now. I'm praying for patience and asking for it everyday. Maybe that's my downfall. Instead of working on growing with the Lord, I'm asking Him for patience in my life--my job, my relationships, where I live, and everything else. I have been focusing so much on patience that I am not giving God any space to work in my life. GO FIGURE! I had a revelation this past week. The revelation is, that I need to depend totally on God before I can expect any man to come into my life. I want to have so much dependance on God that when my future husband comes along, I'll be ready. I won't need to depend SO much on Him and that will give us the strength to have a Christ-centered relationship because we won't need to depend on each other as much, but both be dependant on God. deeeeeeeep breath and ouuuuut... Sometimes writing is a confusing task, because I have all of these things I'm thinking and it's going 1000 times a minute in my head...so what comes out on paper, isn't usually exactly what I want. BUT that's ok. I'm just glad that I got something out of this... He never shows us the whole tapestry, but sometimes we get a small glimpse. I can be so naive and selfish sometimes...it's upsetting lol.

until next time. peace.

Contemplation

2010-09-28T06:56:00.001-07:00

I am going to start new things. I want to see broadway musicals, I want to experience art in West Palm Beach, I want to do things that people don't usually do on the weekends. I might as well do something, if I'm going to be living here for a while. I enjoy picnics, sunshine, and music. I want to start doing photography because I love to capture the essence of a loveable, memorable moment. I couldn't imagine my life being this bland anymore. I live my life as a snail; it's a very slow process--yet the days go so fast. I had a wonderful time in Indiana, it was so good to see my greatest friends again. I want to experience life. I don't want to keep sitting here complaining about how dull my life is. I know that life does not have to be this way. If I enjoy my church and my school, why couldn't I enjoy everything else...just because at this time in my life my job stinks. I come here 8 hours a day, 4 days of the week. It's not that bad. I have an idea of what I want my life to look like, and I keep going back to that. I guess I need to take my eyes off of that and focus on what is going on right now. I got to go back to the place I love the most, and I kept thinking "I want to move to Indy"..."how can I move back to Indy and still have the same great things that I have in Florida?" Why is it so hard for me to except that I live in Florida now? I am doing great things here, yet I can't fully see it. Contemplating...

exclamation point

2010-09-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

So here I am, once again...sitting in a cubicle in which all of my "work" takes place. Patience is a virtue, yet I can't seem to gather around the fact that I have to work at this god forsaken place for probably another two years. It seems as if I'm stuck in a plastic bubble where I am content, but not fully expressing myself so it makes me feel stuck. Does that make me really content though? Of course I can minister to my fellow employees but will I ? Probably not. This job pays the bills, it gives me something to do during the day rather than soaking my brain with childish cartoons (which is exactly what I would do). I mean, don't get me wrong...I have so much joy in my life...it's the job that kills me. I couldn't even imagine doing this for the rest of my life. I'd rather get paid no money than have to be secluded inside of a building all day without even a breath of excitement in the air. The only time I'm excited is when I forget something in my car and realize I need to go out and get it. This is what my 8 hour days at work consist of, absolutely nothing. I am so thankful for this job during such a horrendous economical time. I just continue to pray for patience because I know I need rejuvenation everyday when I come here Monday-Thursday from 7:30-3:30. deeeep sigh.

On the flip side. I am leaving for Indiana in about 5 hours and I cannot be more excited about this! Another thing to be happy about is, my peers at Palm Beach Atlantic...I haven't really found my niche so to speak but I think finding a niche at this point in my life isn't going to happen. I do know that my niche is at Church in the Gardens... I love the people at my church and I am so joyful to have that in my life.

Oh and another thing I'd really like to meet my husband, RIGHT NOW! :) ahaha....but seriously..... Maybe not now, but it would be awesome if he was in my life.

I just need the patience seriously raining down on me. I love to rush into life!!! But who's to say that I'm not aloud to want a passionate life? I just need to calm down and think about being a little more simplistic, cut some stuff out and enjoy life instead of life enjoying me. I am obsessed with doing things, I need to be around people...I guess I just want to feel God in my life and it helps if I'm doing a million things that involve God. I love God...God is the cheese to my macaroni, without cheese it's just noodles and they are bland and taste bad. Without God my life has tastes bad and there's nothing good about it...filled with a whole lot of nothingness.

Praying for people, still. I would go into more detail about it but let's just say God has put on my heart to pray for this world. I'm not trying to save the world but wouldn't it be awesome if we all just reacted a little differently in some situations. Smile more!!! Hug people!!! give someone a stinking high five!!! Not to be a love crazed person but seriously...instead of reacting like a normal human being maybe we can take a deep breath and realize that we are all here together going through crap, no one is alone or has to be.

random.

noodles? don't noodles? Quit? Don't quit?

2010-08-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

Giving up is such an easy concept. To give up means to lose hope, to stop striving for a goal because it may become too much. In my instance, I don't really have a goal. I have a friend, who I have grown to care a lot about in the past few weeks. He's a non-believer and we have had nothing but great conversations about our differences in beliefs. He was born into the catholic church, when he went to college he wrote a paper and everything changed. He began to question pretty much everything and suddenly he went from believer to agnostic which quickly turned into athiesm. I have never really spoken to an athiest, because I've never really put myself out there enough to have a chance. The idea of controlling a situation comes to mind here. I should know that I can't control his mind and the way he thinks, I should know that God is using me for big reasons...but even greater it's not my job to fix people just to "plant seeds" so to speak. I recently began having doubts that I could even have these conversations without feeling like an ass. I am beginning to take matters into my own hands, and I'm trying to find the words to say that will make him change his mind. He is so deep into these non-beliefs that it would be like pulling a sword out of a rock. I have never been one to force my beliefs on anyone, and I don't think I am doing this here...I feel as if I might be getting into it too deep. Not letting God have any room to work. I fully believe that my friend can have a change of heart. It may take a very long time, but that's okay--i've got plenty. All I can really do is pray here, and seek God for His words. I thought about giving up on it for a second, but then realized what will that do in the end? I would be in the same place. I know this situation wasn't placed in front of me just so I can shrug it off like a dirt speck. Big, big things are coming...

decisions...decisions...

2010-08-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

As opposed to my last post, this post will be a little bit more positive. I chose to pursue a Master's degree in School Counseling at Palm Beach Atlantic Universiy. I have put in my notice at American Eagle, which my last day will be August 20 (because I'm heading up to Indy for a week and some change) before classes start. It only took me a few months to have all of this figured out. I prayed for so long to have peace, and just kept reading out of proverbs to seek wisdom--great place to find it btw. So worried about what decision would be pleasing that I didn't realize that either one would be pleasing to God--just for the fact that I was seeking God in either situation. I finally felt more comfortable with one decision more than the other and took that leap. After I made the decision final, I had an overload of peace in my heart. I know that I have needed to relearn patience in the past few months; especially with where my life is going. My life hasn't seen much of any kind of change for a little bit (besides my job) so of course it only makes sense that my little sister leaves for college, my parents move to Port St. Lucie, and I start grad school all at once... So now instead of patience I'll need strength!!! LOL

oguhdfusdhfidfv

2010-07-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time coming to the conclusion that life is the way it is. I'm hearing things about 24 year olds getting kicked out of their grad programs because they believe differently then the school. I'm having athiests talk to me about how there is no evidence that God is real. I imagine that I'm standing in a room filled with moving people and not one person sees me. They pass by, and not even take a glimpse. Why is it that we always want to prey on one another? I felt like I was going to vomit at least 5 times today just thinking about all the questioning about my life that's going on in my head. Why do I want to do what I want to do? Where is it that I want to go? Why do I feel so held back? Why do I have 2 choices and all the sudden don't want to do either one because it's too hard to make a decision? Why am I waiting for a faint whisper to tell me what to do? What is it that makes me want to leave Florida so bad? Why is it so hard to believe that I'm not out to get people because I'm a Christian? Why is it that I've been single during my whole entire existence? What am I going to do when all of the sudden some guy wants to be my husband, boyfriend, whatever? Why am I sitting at a desk all day wasting away? GOSH... my brain HURTSSSS!!!! Here are my plans...I'll go to Anderson Seminary ...maybe... I'll go to PBA for school counseling.... maybe .... I'll move to Alaska, maybe... I've thought about doing these 3 things in the past 24 hours. I'm at a crossroads, and I seriously just want to jump out. Cut me some stinking slack yo!

still sitting at a desk, in a cubicle on a different day.

2010-07-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like poop today. I hate money, and what it does to me (1 Timothy 6:10 and 17). I hate relationships and what they do to me as well. If you ask me—I’d like to live away from it all and live off the land and the Word. I’m not going to lie, I’m so sick to my stomach of the world. Sometimes I wish I could just not be apart of it all. I love helping people, and building relationships but if I could I’d run away from it all, I sometimes feel like I would. This is where God needs me to be strong; this is where He tests my faith. If my faith wasn’t tested, what kind of faith would it be? I keep thinking to myself that I need something new, that I want to experience life in a different way. It doesn’t necessarily mean I need to move to another state--but it would be nice. Maybe move in with a family, or into my own apartment. I don’t know. I seriously feel like I may upchuck from all the faux anxiety I produce within myself. One way satan grabs tight of me is through the anxiety (Psalm 139:23). I feel like nothing is okay, I feel like it will never go away. For some reason I keep making up this whole scenario in my head that if I move back to Indiana, everything will be okay. What am I thinking? The grass is never greener on the other side, I won’t all of the sudden be cured. I’m making up lies in my head in order to figure out how to run away. I don't know.. I feel great, but I still feel weird...like something is missing. I have no stinking idea what the bloody heck it is either. God... help? Did I mention how much I kind of hate my job? It's boring (I sit at a desk for 8 hours, doing financial reports and staring at a computer screen). I'm blessed to have the job for the money, but in every aspect it's everything I hate in a job. I pray for patience...sweet patience.

Matthew 6:19-24, 25-34

Philippians 4:6-7--Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 8-9, Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 2:3-5--Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Psalm 139:1-6, 13-14, 16—he knows!!! 17-18—and still He loves me, and still his thoughts about me are precious. 23-24—Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Lord,

Search my heart and know my anxious thoughts. Test me so that my faith may be stronger. Make me more like you, one who is humble and gracious toward others. Adjust my attitude so that I may be more like you. Make me clean, and mold me into a selfless being. Fix my thoughts on what is true and lovely. Take all of my worries away, for you are my provider. I want to seek your kingdom above all else, and live righteously. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow because today brings enough for today. Give me the knowledge to treat others as I would like to be treated. Give me patience to forgive others if they do me wrong, but also give them the knowledge of grace if I have ever done them wrong. Lead me on your narrow path, and don’t let me get too comfortable so that I may walk away with pride. My treasure is in you, so my desires are in you as well. Make me soft and flexible so that you can use and shape me for what you desire. I know that I am capable of sin, so show me the depths of my heart. Let the peace that comes from you, rule in my heart (Col. 3:15). Let your message fill my life. Thank you for all of this that you have provided me with in my life physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Amen.

sitting at a desk, inside a cubicle.

2010-07-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve come to the realization, as I stare at my desktop filled with NYC’s city lights and skyline, that what I want or have wanted has never or usually never matched with what God wants in my life. There was a time when I so badly wanted to graduate from Florida State, become famous, live in New York City (I wanted this the most), and own every piece of clothing and shoe that I wanted. Yes, there is still a place in my head for all of those dreams BUT I have also come to the conclusion that even if I’m not living the fabulous life and I have the things that I need…then life is successful. It would be wonderful to wake up in my studio apartment overlooking the city—but it would be wonderful to wake up in a regular apartment in the middle of the country. My passion is to fill my life and other’s lives with love and justice. Whether I am rich and famous or average and semi well known doesn’t matter to me; just as long as I’m fulfilling what God wants in my life. It seems so cliché as a Christian to say all of these things, but I hold it dear to my heart. I have seen my life do a 360 from the things I’ve wanted and hoped for to the things God wants in my life. Literally going from wanting to stay home for college, to moving all the way to Indiana in a matter of about a month is a mighty good example. Does this mean that I’m set, that I’ve got it all figured out? Heck NO. But it does mean that I am starting off on the right track, and even if I lose my way for a second…I’ll always land back here because I’ve seen His abundant grace and mercy work in my life. You never forget those things. I have never experienced tragedy like some of my friends have, and I can imagine if I did…the way I look at things now would be a little damaged. I do hope if something catastrophic happened in my life now that I would cling to Him and not to my own selfish desires. I pray that for my life and for my future, as well as others. To live a successful, rich life does not always mean being a billionaire on the cover of Forbes magazine. I would give the life of a Christ like human being the definition of just that…it may not be filled with cars and money, but it’s certainly filled with love and compassion that I would find just as great--because it lasts. Things do not last. Our lives on this earth do not last. I truly believe that some things do last; like my relationship with God and the way that I see Him (all consuming, extravagant, healer). Some people say that it’s a cop out, living your life for God; it’s not always easy, believing in something that isn’t there. It’s my tested faith that has grown through my suffering that makes me so eagerly believe that what the Bible says is true and what Jesus did for us is true. I would say it’s harder to live in pain, suffocating from all the guilt and hurt. I would say it’s harder to walk on that wide road (I only say this, because I've felt it)—taking the “easy” way out because we don’t trust or we don’t want to get hurt. But in the end, you are hurting no matter what. We can’t let go of deep hurts on our own; they haunt us with our every breath and every move. I know this because I’ve also seen that. I haven’t always believed in what I believe now, it used to be easy for me to say that I can do this on my own…until I had pain so deep down inside that it felt impossible to love truly. I feel at ease knowing that I am forgiven, for everything.

“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all the same testing’s we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” ---- Hebrews 4:14-16

good news!

2010-07-01T05:36:00.000-07:00

Ok. My life has consisted of A LOT of crap. But there is some good news that goes with this crap, and that's God's grace and mercy. This year, has been the toughest year of my life. I have lived an unclean life, and I chose to walk in the way of sin. I'm in a book/bible study right now and we are reading a book called "triumph over suffering". I am the youngest, most single woman in the class. I only say that because, well it's not at all important. The women in this group though, because they are older and have dealt with a lot in their lives...they can relate to me. Not only can I speak about my suffering, but they actually listen and I don't feel like I'm being blown off for talking so much. God works amazingly. I've learned that God is a sovereign God and He allows suffering in our lives for a darn good reason--to further His Kingdom. I've never had a time in my life that stunk that didn't lead to something amazing. I'm a high school leader in the youth group at my church and I love every single one of those girls. It's funny that they call me a leader when I have learned more from them, than I have in a while. I went to a camp called Teen Valley Ranch in Plumtree, NC last week. While I was there, I realized that my life doesn't have to be complicating. To me not following God is harder than anything. When I'm trying to do things on my own, and becoming a chameleon to the ways of this world...that's when I'm in pain. I'm learning that I don't need to go out and have a ridiculous social life to have a fulfilling life, to feel like i'm being accepted. I've learned that i'd rather be accepted in the world of my God. Yes, I have made some god awful mistakes that will surely haunt me for a while, but I know that I have been forgiven...and I know that I don't need to live in this suffering anymore. Everyone has suffering, it's just a matter of whether we choose to let it rule us or let God rule over us. I've decided that I want to be in full time minstry with youth. I want to take the next step in my walk, in my journey. I plan to start grad classes online with my alumni, Anderson University this fall. This journey has just begun...it is FAR from over.

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." -John F. Kennedy

2010-05-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

Kind of feeling really crappy about my life right now. Regretting some decisions I have made in the past month. Wishing to death that I didn't move back here and get myself in bad situations. I've never regretted anything i've done until now, because I know that they all could have been prevented. I can't seem to get a grip!!!!! I'm so unbelievably mad at myself...dissapointed more than anything. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep....and cry. I want God so badly and I have had my head turned away from Him practically this whole time i've lived here in Florida. I've succombed myself to the Florida lifestyle. I've landed in a pile of thorns and it hurts, bad. I want God to rescue me, I want to feel love again...REAL LOVE. I don't want anymore of the materialistic, shallow love. I want to feel God again. I'm so hungry for it, I feel like I could really die of actual starvation. I just talked with a friend from Anderson, Christy, she has been one of my greatest friends. I feel so terrible that I haven't talked to her more. Everytime I talk with her I feel better...I realize how stupid I am and how much I love what is important to me. She asked me what the 5 most important things were to me, I said: God, being there for my family, my church family/ and friends, the kids in my youth group, and being a loving person. It made me realize that I've been switching out the important things for the shallow, materialistic things. I've never cared about the guys I met, or the beer I got for cheap--haha...it's always a backdrop NEVER important. It's not important to me now, but it's certainly has consumed my life and become a fake importance. I hate feeling this way, and I have felt this way MANY times before. I know God will pull me from this...but this time I want to learn. This time I don't want to be consumed by society, I want to consume society with my love for God and people. When I go out with my friends from high school, I know for a fact God is weeping. I don't ever want to think about the fact that God is weeping...Jesus suffered so much so that I would have forgiveness and all I can do is take advantage. All I can think of is that day when Jesus died...the pain, the agony, the torment he went through...and I basically laugh in his face. I know I'm just learning but man, I feel stupid. I do feel so much better that I've written this and talked to Christy....I am so glad God is in my life. I'm never hurt, I just forget who I live for. I've brought myself to a very low place, and only God can save me...it's true. I could never save me. I could never forget the things I do, or the pain I've been through. Only God can rescue me from this torture.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. PSALM 130:1-6

2010-04-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

sooo bored at work; there's nothing for me to do. I would love to leave work early, go home, put my bathing suit on and sleep while laying out. That sounds perfect.

Almost finished applying to PBA just need my reccomendation's in. Haven't gotten a call about the RD job yet...but that's okay.

break my heart, for what breaks yours.

2010-04-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

My heart is at a all time breaking point. I watched invisible children last night for the second time in a few years. All I can think about is the little boy, Jacob, sobbing because he lost his older brother to the LRA. I keep thinking to myself--how many times have I been crying over something that was "detrimental" to me. Watching that small boy cry because he's afraid that he may get abducted and killed; fearing for his life almost 24/7. Makes me fall to my knees, heartbroken. There's nothing I can do besides, pray and have faith. My problems feel so insignificant compared to Jacob's. That is his life, constantly living in fear, wondering when he will get his next meal, and all the other stuff living in a 3rd world country comes with. Most things are expendable to me, 9 out of 10 times I have the things I want...and I eat like nobody's business. You think as a country that owns 15% of the wealth would do something. Maybe even try harder to end the war in Africa. I know it's been years since that movie was released but it's STILL going on...it's now officially been 24 years. We as Americans have more freedom than any other country in the world and we can't even get involved in that war because they haven't done anything to us. We don't want to get involved because it's not in our hands. But we can go over to the middle east thinking we are going to create democracy? I don't see how any of this makes sense... I am so broken. Not because anything bad is happening to me but because I am just one person who wants to create peace within billions of people. I pray that this world opens their eyes--whether or not they believe--but opens their eyes to peace. This world does not have to be this way. God never intended for this to happen. We are all human beings but we have free will and we can change the way we treat people, and the way we handle situations. The situations going on in my life are petty. I feel ashamed for worrying. I trust that God is going to take care of me--I want to trust even more that God will provide more and more peace to developing countries. I am so blessed, so why do I worry about the things I don't have. I know that I am always going to be taken care of. I am broken for them, my eyes see the hurt that is going on around me. People are lost all over, and I'm worried about me? I hear that cry of Jacob, and my heart just breaks a little more. I just want healing in the world. I just want to see love. I know that because of the fall of man, the world is going to be a bad place...but I believe that we can change it...I believe that it doesn't have to be this way. I hate excuses, I hate that we blame the fall of man. We still have FREE-WILL! We still have the power to stop these things. Especially when we have the resources. I'm done for now.

I exist because you exist.

it's all coming back to me now

2010-04-21T06:53:00.001-07:00

Passion. for. life.

My heart is taking some deep turns; good. As a dramatic, I never thought I would feel again what I felt for the last year and a half prior to my "downfall". The heartache of losing someone I thought I loved--and moving back home where home was not the word I would call it (more like vacation central). I thought I had become immune to the life I had picked back up (never to see the light of day again). I also thought that if I could maybe experience a breathe of fresh air I would just turn around and things would be okay again. My wounds are not fully healed; but I can feel them closing. I won't say that I will not experience pain again, because that would be a lie. I do want to say that because I keep scraping my knees...I will be a little stronger for the next time. Time is changing, it surely is. I never know what to expect and that makes life so exciting for me. I don't like knowing what the next move will be, to me life is that much more exciting when I have no idea what to expect.

(sighs)

until next time. peace.

30 hour famine--on my mind

2010-04-20T05:43:00.000-07:00

For 30 hours on May 7th-8th I will be fasting. The idea of the fasting is to get a very small feel as to what it is like to go hungry--but MOST IMPORTANTLY, raise money to feed hungry children. The idea of the 30 hour famine is to take 30 measily hours away from eating (something we do TOO much of) and raise money so that someone who never eats can be fed. The 30 hour famine is a international youth movement to fight hunger. Not only will it feed hungry children, but it will bring my group of youth and the numerous leaders together as a close community. The greatest thing I have learned about people who are in the same situation together...tend to act out as more of a community. "I exist because you exist"...we survive together, without community we wouldn't survive.

Today 25,000 kids will die due to hunger related causes...that's one child every 3 seconds :(

The goal is to get 12 sponsors to give me $30.00 or more--with that $360.00, we can feed a child for a whole year! I'd like my goal to be double ($720), but I think I'll start at $360. This isn't some event that i'm attending just to say I attended. I do hold this close to my heart because I do believe we can change lives. Last year in the U.S. alone, groups raised around $12 million--which is enough to feed 30,000 children for a whole year. I hope that not only you pray for this event to be successful--you think about even sponsoring. This is HUGE! :)

just a little food for thought...

"love your neighbor" -Jesus

job

2010-04-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

I applied for a job at Palm Beach Atlantic University as a Resident Director. I am praying that it is in God's will for me. I want this to be powered by prayer--so I need all the prayer I can get for this. I think this job would be a perfect transitioner for my life, not only that but it will be something I've been wanting to do for a while. I'm studying counseling, and what would be more perfect than developing relationships with a boatload of college students. I'm not going to say anything else about it besides just pray. Like I said, I want this to be solely a God thing...I don't want this because of my selfish desires...I want it if God wants me to have it. If it's not in His will then it won't happen. I don't want to be taken over by evil thoughts; God is in control. I trust in Him fully.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

apparently

2010-04-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

this was going to be a blog about my heartache, and after I wrote it all..decided it wasn't worth publishing. I'm tired of depressing heartache blogs. God, I need You and that is all I can really say. I won't go to this blog...I'll just ask You.

I am hungry. I am thirsty. For more of You. I need BEAUTIFUL you.

A gift

2010-04-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

Wondering where my life is heading
Questioning my worth again
Struggling to find where I belong
Filling the voids with relationships that aren't worth it
Is there a place for someone like me?

I keep trying to control situations
Not trusting in the one that knows my plan
Embarrased by some bad decisions
Is there a place for someone like me?

You give me chance after chance
constantly taking my hand
landing me on my feet
Deja vu; here I am again...
Fighting against your existance
Will this never end?

Is this what my life consists of?
A huge debate...
Why can't we just be still?
One day I give you my all,
next day just can't seem to catch my fall

Are we living hypocritically?
I think it's a little thing called humanity

He saw it coming, so He sent a man-
to be put to his death
Leading us to our salvation
Bringing us out of our condemnation

Now there's always a place for someone like me.

letting go of bitterness and unforgiveness

2010-02-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

I'm slowly learning that there's a long process you need to go through to fully free of bitterness and unforgiveness. I have been trapped with this bitterness for most of my life. Toward friends that have hurt me in the worst ways, through relationships with boys that went sour, and through situations that have happened within my family. I have a relationship with the Lord, I know I am imperfect and I know that most people would probably say, "you're not a good Christian." You know what I say to that, I don't agree at all. I have tried my best for the better part of my life to give everything I am to love people and give my heart to making sure that all my relationships with people are tight. I also know that I have failed NUMEROUS times. I have realized that I am filled with nothing but bitterness and unforgiveness, and it is making my attitude seem different toward people (people that mean something to me). I want to be free of this bitterness; especially since a recent incedent with a boy that I had forgiven just last year for doing this very same thing to me. For years, I have wallowed in pity and sorrow...hoping that one day things would turn out great. I am tired of living in a lie...I am tired of putting on a face, showing everyone that I'm okay. I am okay, yes, but I am also tied down with bitterness that succombs my life. I can't stress enough how terrible I feel like I have been to my friends for the past year...I feel like a failure most of the time because maybe one thing didn't work out with someone. I mainly feel like it might be my fault for things that happen between my friends and I. I don't feel good about myself most of the time, and I expect rejection out of most of my relationships. I want to be free from this. I know that I can be free. I know that God can free me, but before He can do it...I need to forgive myself and forgive the one's that have hurt me in the past and recently. I have decided that I am going to get a list of people that I feel have hurt me, and I am going to make it a point to pray for them and then pray that I have the strength to forgive them but also forgive myself. I just want to be able to live a happy life without old past regrets and bitterness filled inside of me. I know that I do wrong everyday...and I know that most of the time I know when I'm doing something wrong. So I'm not saying this to be like, everything I've done wrong is because of something someone else did to me. NO, I'm saying that I am hurting and I want to be free from this hurt. That is all, just a word before I'm off to bed. Goodnight moon.

a simple act of love

2010-01-24T18:42:00.000-08:00

What do you think human services is?

The question I had in my class today was, "Is human services practical or theoretical?"

Human services is an act. There will always be theories and ideas but what you do with those theories and ideas is what human services is-what you do with the gifts of love is what human services is. Human services is an act of love, help, and community. It's the hug you give a friend after their parents just divorced; it's the act of going out into the streets of Haiti or even your own local community and serving other. There are always going to be individuals with issues and struggles, and there are always going to be many communities of people to serve one another. I am just about on the egde of my seat here just thinking about how important human services is. You don't have to get a master's degree to serve, you don't have to do anything but love. It's not always about figuring things out, its about that small action of love that impacts a persons life to possibly better it. I want to be a counselor/mentor because it is my act of love to people. God has given me a gift of openness and a heart full of love for His people...I am just so excited!

God is so good, all the time.

"We know, dear brothers and sisters, that God loves you and has chosen you to be His own people." 1 Thessalonians 1:4

life as I know it

2010-01-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

2010 has arrived; I have officially lived through 2 decades. Since my last post, I have felt so many emotions--I have asked God for peace this year. I know that I cannot control my fate, and I cannot control what happens in my relationships. Yes, things got a little rocky but right now...I feel as if I could float on a cloud. I am so happy....and that's how I will end this. Until next time...God is good.

realizing my pains

2009-11-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have dug myself the biggest whole I've ever seen. I am digging deeper and deeper and all I see is hurt and struggle. Because of my own insecurites, and my own mistakes...I have nothing but sadness in my heart. I get myself involved in the same situations, and make myself feel worse and worse about myself...just to feel okay for a second. I have been involved with the same guy for four years, who I have never been in a relationship with. I let guys take advantage of me for the sake of having their attention, and for the sake of my securities. I hate being single, but only because I think having a guy will make my life better. For example, if "what's his name" and I finally dated...my life would be complete and everything would be solved...I hate that I think that way, because its not TRUE! I ran away from my problems after high school, and now I have to deal with them. After you leave college, I sware problems get worse. God is the greatest thing that has happened to me, but satan has a hold of me...and is reminding me of all my past hurts to bring me down. I swore that I had everything figured out by now (EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT EVER!), and that I had forgiven all the people that hurt me and CONTINUE to hurt me. I am still so bitter about this situation with "whats his name." I'm angry that everytime things go right, he runs away...he stops talking to me...finds something/someone better. I am tired of getting the crap end of the stick, when I treat people so well. I hate being selfish, and that's all I feel lately. I have nothing but negativity towards my life...I have nothing but bitterness in my soul. I want God in my life, I want Him SOOOOO bad. I hate feeling so sorry for myself all the time, I hate being so sad all of the time. I hate thinking that I don't deserve the best because of the things I have done, the mistakes I have made. I hate feeling like nothing I ever do will make me feel better....I hate thinking that I'm in control all of the time! There is nothing I want more than to feel content, I feel like right now all I want to do is runaway...thinking that if I move somewhere else all my problems will be solved. I am SO thankful for my life, I am happy that I have my family and the people I have to keep me straight with my decisions. I just want all of this to go away. God please take it away. I thank God for this moment, because I know that this eventually will be a strong moment for me. I thank God that I am learning all of this about me now, instead of later...no matter where I would have gone, or how long...eventually I would run into the hole of hurt and denial I have dug for myself. Thank you God for this moment.

in the midst

2009-10-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

I'm always frustrated with my life, my job, my school, my family. Why must I be so bitter? I know God wants me to be here to learn a lesson...To live my life the way He wants me to, in the midst of all the challenge. He never gives us something we cannot handle, if He knows that I can handle this...then I am trusting that when this is over, things will be okay. Leaving Anderson was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I didn't realize it until I was finally gone. I never thought I'd be the one to say that I miss Anderson University. I was reminded by another friends blog that having a mentor is so important. I have been trying my stinking hardest to find someone I can talk to who is older, and more experienced that I can share my life stories and situations with. I know that I can't do this on my own, and i've been trying for the past few months to live on my own without God. He's still there, I just haven't paid enough attention to Him. I miss it, I miss the life I had in Anderson. I miss the friends, the family, etc. It was almost too easy. After college comes nothing but more confusion and frustrations. I feel like I did my freshman year when I didn't know what I wanted to do, except now I know what I want to do. I'm currently working on my master's in counseling, and trying to transfer to either PBA in Florida or Lenoir-Rhyne in North Carolina. Although I may have my selfish desires, I want to do what God wants me to do. I have for the past 3 years based my decisions solely around God, I want my life to mirror Jesus. I want to love people, and help people...these are my desires. I just need to keep reminding myself of who and why I live. I need prayer, satan has done nothing but bring me down....but I need to remain STRONG.

boomerang

2009-09-09T20:20:00.000-07:00

There is a termanology to explain the constant need to go back to one specific person...heard it from a high schooler...they call it a boomerang. Once you get so comfortable with someone, and have been through a number of certain events and situations with that person its almost impossible to go back. I have seen so many relationships that have gone sour after a very long time and it's very sad. But I also must say that I have seen many people who have suffered with heartache for so long, get back on their feet. I myself have suffered, but have come out of it. Now, I am at a point where I need to detach myself. I read something today that made me sick to my stomach. A self-realization with the help of a kind man named Terelle that I am in fact, co-dependant. What do you do with yourself when you realize that you are co-dependant? I read a line, it said "In fear of rejection, I am careful with what I say and do"...this along with a number of other things that say I am co-dependant. I wish I could say that I wasn't completely attached to this person. I know that I have feelings for him, but it's almost like I have feelings totally based on comfort...and the fact that I do know we have a very long past. I don't want to restart a relationship with someone, I dont want to give my heart to anyone else...I have already been put through so much. I don't want to have to re-get to know someone. I'm afraid, I don't like when I feel sad...I'm a very happy person. God has continuously brought me through my pain and my suffering. I know for a fact that I will get through this too...I need to have faith that he will bring me through this. The change I have gone through in the past 4 years in immeasurable. I have been changed...yet not all circumstances have been completely changed, I know that God has changed me for a reason and that this relationship was brought back to me for a reason....This may be the last time I go through this with this certain someone. Whether it be a good or a bad. One day at a time...

searching

2009-08-25T20:37:00.001-07:00

Where is the nearest hobby lobby? I need new interests!

I need to put my heart out there and go for things...When people ask me what I like to do...I want to give them a solid answer. Look out world, I'm searching for a hobby. Lame I know, but it needs to happen.

So far this I know is true: riding my bike anywhere and everywhere. Taking pictures of anything and everything (one day i'll create a picture book filled with stories of my life). Writing about my life and where I am in it. TRAVELLING, when I get a chance. Singing! I love doing new things! I get bored with things that I have done for so long, so I either need to change it up a bit or get new hobbies...which is what I'm on my way to doing!! :)

is it really worth it?

2009-07-28T14:21:00.000-07:00

I need help. I need someone to talk to that I don't know. Someone older and wiser that can listen to me and give me advice. How can I even think for a second that I can be in counseling we I need counseling myself. No, let me rephrase that...my whole family needs counseling and everyone is too stubborn to admit it for even a second. I know that I cannot do this on my own, and yet I continue to make it that way. It's so weird being back home and no one even gets it. I'm trying to make it work...I'm happy here...I love home, I just wish everyone else was happy. I'm tired of feeling like I am trapped here, I want to feel welcome and I want to feel like I can come home and not feel SO stressed that my brain might pop. I have a lot to accomplish in the next year, beginning with starting my masters. The summer is almost over..... and then what?

I need strength and MORE guidance.

GOD

2009-06-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

the answer.

I may be in a pickle for almost every moment of my life, but for some reason...It always comes back to you. I need so badly for You to save me. I need love in my life, and I am looking for it in all the wrong places. One day at a time, looking straight forward. There is something missing from my life and it's love...but not just any love... love that is more powerful than any man can even come up with. No words needed in this love. The things men come up with to make things better, don't even come close to the wordless love of God. I may not be able to see it but the love I am talking about doesn't need to be seen to know that it's real. I am faithful that everything will all come into place. I will no longer have to worry about waiting for the man I love to fall in love with me. There will be a peace in my heart bigger than any hug I can get from a man, bigger than any kiss I can get from a man. Heal me with patience, grace, and strength. I just need to remember constantly that You alone are the only thing that can heal me. I need to remember that you are the only consistency in my life, that continues to pick up my pieces that never seem to stay together for too long. You believe in me so much that you constantly remind ME that I am not a screw up and that I will eventually fall into a place that is much bigger than this. You remind me all the time that I am a wonderful woman and that my heart is bigger than the Grand Canyon no matter how down on myself I am feeling. I have given my heart to many people on this earth and have barely saved any for You. I want to give You my whole heart and distribute bits and pieces to others but not the whole thing. I want You to be the owner of my heart. I want You to give me all the love I need, not anyone else. Not until it is in your will that it shall be done. There just needs to be patience placed in my life and all these reminders that You are the only love I need for now. I need to put my heart on lock down, although it is so hard to do that with someone you are so close to. It is amazing how I can feel the strength of 1000 bulls and be quickly knocked down by one man, one friend, one fight, etc. Open my eyes.

Peace

spinning

2009-06-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, wondering why the heck I just did what I did. I just drove both you and her to your car so you guys could be alone. I hate the idea that you are alone with another girl. I keep saying, If he wants to be with her let him. I've been through this numerous times and you think I would get the picture? But the question is, does he get the picture? I'm DYING here knowing that he is out with her. What is going on here... Am I oblivious, blinded, an idiot... probably. I just hate knowing that he is here in Florida and he is with another girl, and not me. There is some certain words I would like to say, but I cannot openly admit it because it makes me feel like a fool. Like I said before.. 4 years, and I'm still sitting in the same spot. Do things really happen for a reason? What if it's the same thing over and over? When is the reason coming...

so cliche.

can't sleep

2009-06-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

4am really?

for once

2009-06-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

I would like to think of anything that isn't making my mind go a million miles a second. I so wish I could just move far away from everyone and everything. Maybe Australia, get a hut on the beach with a little hammock in the back. If only life were that simple? Is it totally impossible to live like this? Maybe I just need to cut myself away... Or maybe I'm being a bit high strung. I don't want to deal with grad school stuff and summer school readings. THREE, 600 page books done by the beginning of August!! REALLY????

For a second I had a small apiphany. Maybe just maybe God is telling me that Seminary would be a great place to go to figure stuff out. He prepared me well from NYC to Washington D.C. so I think that maybe he will use Seminary as a tool of preparation. I wouldn't doubt it for a second that God would do something crazy like this. It always seems the things that I don't want are the things in the end that God wants for me in my life. Sometimes it couldn't be more frustrating and annoying...but I get used to it.

All the things I need to say to you...

2009-06-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.You hold me without touch.You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me.You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Sara Bareilles-"Gravity"

oh goodness

2009-05-15T14:51:00.001-07:00

I miss him already. It's only been barely 6 hours. I just can't part with the fact that I might not see him again for a long time, I hate this :(

lasts...

2009-05-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

Packing is always so depressing, but this time it's the end. I feel like this is death, this is where I die. I have spent four years with pretty much the same people and I have developed the most amazing relationships with the most amazing people. I am really going to miss this part of my life, and honestly I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll probably meet new people and get a job or go to grad school (who knows where). I just really wish I could tell everyone I know how much they have meant to me over the past 4 years...There really isn't enough time to tell everyone exactly how much they mean. There isn't enough words to describe the influence people have been in my life, and to let them know how much they have changed me. If it weren' for the people I've known and grown with I would have never been able to survive. I am so thankful for every situation I've been put in because for that, I am totally different and I am grateful.

ehhh.

frustrations.

2009-04-30T23:48:00.000-07:00

first admitted REGRET, would be that first time we kissed and the next and the next. Because now all I am is a kiss. My emotions always win over self-control.

rejected

2009-04-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

rejection haunts me. even when i might not be getting rejected. i am sitting in a room all by myself and all i feel is rejection. it's a constant rejection. i feel wanted by you one minute, and the next i feel rejected. i am insecure, and aware. i don't love myself enough, and i think that's the problem so i use the love of others to fill the void. i reject myself. and i reject my friends, and my family. how can i feel this way on a sunny saturday afternoon? TOM must be here :(

maybe i should get a dog.

head underwater

2009-04-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

"Here's a simplification of everything we're going though You plus me is bad news But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am tooBut my friend said I look better without you.Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head."

My moods follow the weather of Indiana. Wet and dreary one day, the next day bright and sunny. No need to explain.

Summer in Florida is gonna be sooooo good! :)

you.

2009-04-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

I've gone months without seeing or speaking to you. But I just realized that when you leave, I'm not going to know what to do. In and out of my life for 4 years, but never out of my mind. For 8 months, I went without you being around. All of the sudden you are back, and to think that I am going to lose you again...and maybe forever...makes me sick. I'm way too comfortable here, but I feel okay with it this time. Why did you come back? If you would have just left me be, I wouldn't miss you when you left me for good this time. Am I once again giving myself false hope? I don't know what I'm doing. Last semester I knew what was going on, I had a hold onto what it was I "wanted" even though I still wasn't sure. But at least I wasn't emotionally or physically attached to anyone. I just don't understand why....

Please, don't. Don't look at me with those eyes, that smile. i hate it when you do that because it gives me such great hope. i just want things to stay the way they are, you can just stay away. i'm better off without your smile and your laugh. i'm better off without you (but am I really?). false hope brings me nothing but false smiles. i can't stand to see that look on your face, and the way you look at me with such "meaning." when i know really, it means absolutely nothing. oh, i've gone through this before and i won't let all i have worked for be completely demolished because you give me that one look. please, don't do this to me. please, don't.

happy sunshiney day

2009-04-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

The sun is my remedy. All of my fears and anxieties about the future are gone, every negative bone in my body has dissapeared. The Format is perfect band to listen to on this sunny thursday afternoon. Maybe a subway sandwich for dinner will complete this amazing day :)

Indiana sucks though. I'm ready to go somewhere where there is no winter, i'm tired of the cold. I hate this seasonal depression that I have been self-diagnosed with.

image

2009-04-15T19:43:00.001-07:00

I have been able to think about my life and where it is going for the past couple of months. I have continuously come to a point where I land in the same place every time I think about it. I have no idea where my life is going. My life consists of a series of unpredictable events, and you know...I'm happy it's like that. I like waiting until the last minute to figure what I'm doing. I like knowing that I may or may not be a very poor, possibly homeless person in about 5 or 6 months. I know that I have a family and a group of friends that I love and that love me back (I hope). All I need to really know is that I will be working on furthering the kingdom through my actions and my love for people and well, God.

College is almost over. NOW WHAT?

first blog on the official "blog"

2009-04-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

i have a deep love/hate relationship for men. i want to move to chicago but i can't because i have nothing to do there yet. i want to go to grad school but not in Indiana. i have a huge passion for people and loving people to the Nth degree. i'm obsessed with sunshine and warm weather (probably because i've lived in FL my whole life). this is my first official "blog". i love taking pictures and capturing the greatest things in God's creation. my favorite band is paramore hands down. my favorite solo musician is john mayer. my favorite movies are the ones i used to watch with my sisters when i was a kid (the sandlot, dunstin checks in, wild america, etc...). i love to travel! i'm all about change, especially when i'm bored. i put myself in shitty situations all the time. i say sorry a lot. i'm not good at making decisions. etc and etc... blah blah